The Utterly Random Kakuzu and Hidan Story
by NoLifeChild
Summary: FINISHED! Finally...Chapter 18 is up children! Thank you all for being patient and all that, my deepest apologies for delay...A little fic about Hidan and Kakuzu, how they met, and what happened before they ever came out in the manga. Parody.
1. Chapter 1

(Disclaimer: Naruto does not belong to me. I wish it did though. It's all Kishimoto's fault. Not really, I love the guy.)

Chapter 1

The night was like so many others: silent, dark, and, most importantly, desolate. The only difference was that there was a weary traveler wandering about the empty streets. He was hungry. No, starving. Nearly to death. There were only two simple words that filled his mind: FOOD. MISSION.

The man wore something that looked like a black, torn-up sweater, mostly ripped in the back, which made it look almost like a halter-top. His faded jeans were also equally ruined, mostly with what looked like blood. He wore a black bandanna which covered his entire head, and a face-mask that hid half his face. His gray mask was also smeared with droplets of crimson. His eyes were half closed from exhaustion, but you could still tell that the color coordination was rather odd. His irises was bright green while the rest were dark brown. Bluntly said, he was strange.

Taking slow and steady strides (with the occasional tangling of the legs), the man saw a lifeless church at the end of the wide, stone street.

"Finally..." The masked man muttered under his breath. His pace slightly quickened, but suddenly slowed when he felt all his muscles failing him...again. "Oh, for the love of...damn it," he growled, "just a few paces away..." Then, he felt his whole body crumble into the stone street. The church faded away, along with his strength.

_Food...mission..._ The man's mind went pitch black.

-----------------------------

"Aaaaaah...Great! I don't think I've slept that well in a LONG long time!" A young priest stretched and yawned as he got up from the circle of blood, pulling out the long black staff that seemed to have pierced his heart. "I should get Jashin-sama's sacrifices more often," he chuckled to himself.

The priest had his silver hair pulled back, making his wide forehead completely visible. His black, button-down priest wear was soaked with his blood that had poured out of his chest, which seemed to be healed now. He wore a black, beaded necklace which had a circle with a triangle in it, which was the same shape that was painted on the bloodied marble floor. Besides the hole in the heart of his coat and the trickle of dried blood down on his jawline, he looked perfectly fine.

"Might as well leave now." The priest strode away from the bloody religious circle and walked toward the tall, wooden doors. At the same time, he attempted to rub the dried blood off his face, but only made it worse by smearing it on his left cheek. _I really need a mirror...and a bar of soap,_ he thought to himself in frustration. His hands lightly pushed the broken doors open as it swung outward into the empty streets. Well, almost empty.

_What the...?_ The silver haired man rubbed his eyes to see a figure that looked like a man lying on the ground on his side, out cold. He leaped from the stone steps of the church and strode towards the unconscious man. He was surprised to find that the back of the man's sweater was ripped open, and was even more surprised to find hundreds of thick black stitches covering the man's bloodied back.

"...the hell happened to you?" The priest whispered to the other man. As expected, he got no reply. He looked around to see if anybody else was either watching them or also laying about. As expected again, nobody. He turned his head back to the masked man.

"Yo, hello? You alive there?" He leaned down towards the man's face and listened for any sign of breathing. He couldn't hear anything because of his mask, though. He frowned and sat up, rolling the man's body over so he would face the sky. He tried to look for signs of life by pressing his ear on the man's chest this time. He was somewhat relieved to hear steady beatings of his heart...or two hearts? The priest furrowed his brows in confusion. _Huh? _

_Th-thump th-thump th-th-thump th-th-th-thump th-th-thump..._

The odd rhythm of the masked man's heart was creeping the priest out. _Oooookay...that is really weird..._

Then suddenly, he heard something else that sounded nothing like a beating heart.

A growl. A very LOUD growl.

His head jolted up, alarmed. But there was nothing in sight but an empty street. Then, the silver haired man realized it almost sounded like...an empty stomach. He confirmed it when a second growl came from the middle regions of the other man's torso. The priest chuckled, "So, I've got company tonight, eh?"

He lifted the stranger, took his arm and swung it around his neck, taking his other hand to hold on to the man's hip for support. As he dragged the man into the empty streets, he muttered something that sounded like, "Dude, lose some hundred pounds."

-----------------------------

"_Your mission is to find a new parter, Kakuzu. You've already killed three of our members because of your own cursed temper, and I'm tired of providing you with new ones every month."_

"_Leader, you know, I think I should go on solo missions and not parter up with anybody. You know I'm bound to kill all them anyway, so why bother?"_

"_Because where your going, your going to find the perfect partner."_

Kakuzu slowly awoke from his dream, expecting to find the same stone street on his face and his whole body aching. His body tensed as he waited. But no pain came. As he became more aware of his surroundings, he found himself in a futon-bed, staring at a wooden ceiling, and completely vulnerable. He was alarmed instantly.

_Where the---_before the confused man finished his thought, the ceiling was replaced with a face. His eyes widened in shock, but he didn't, no, couldn't move or speak.

"Mornin' Sleeping Beauty, got your good night's sleep?" The silver haired face grinned and disappeared from view. Kakuzu, even more awake and aware, sat up and found his arms and torso wrapped in clean bandages, all covering his scars obtained from the incident before, plus the ones he already had. His gray mask was replaced with a white scarf, but his bandanna stayed. He turned to look at the other man who was busily taking out cardboard boxes from the closet, opening, examining, and closing each one, searching for something. His silvery hair was tied up into a tiny ponytail to get it out of his face, which was quite pointless because, slowly but surely, little strands of hair was falling onto his face.

"What are you doing?" Kakuzu asked, curiosity getting to him. The silver haired man turned his head, the grin still plastered to his face.

"I'm looking for some clothes that might fit you. Your kinda big, so my clothes won't fit ya." He shrugged, "Not that that's a bad thing, but I don't think you'd wanna roam around with the 'halter-top' (referring to his previous clothes) or in _that_," he pointed at Kakuzu's bandages, "just to be called 'mummy-man', or something along that line." He chuckled and continued. "By the way, my name's Hidan. I'm a priest and a member of the Jashin sect. What's yours?" Kakuzu's eyes thinned slightly at the word "Jashin". _So, this is the guy that Leader was talking about..._

"My name's Kakuzu. I'm part of the Akatsuki organization," he replied. Hidan's grin widened.

"Nice to meet ya Kakuzu," he held out a hand, "'twas nice carrying you back home." Kakuzu's face turned slightly pink in embarrassment.

"Sorry...about that...And thank you." Attempting to hide his face with his left hand, he held out his right and shook Hidan's.

"Akatsuki, eh? Never heard of that one before," Hidan said thoughtfully, "is it new?"

"Mostly," Kakuzu replied simply. With a slight humph, Hidan returned searching for clothes. That's when both men heard the inevitable

_GRRROWLLLLL..._

Hidan froze and his head turned slowly to face Kakuzu with eyes the size of dinner plates, while Kakuzu snapped his away trying to hide his beet-red face of humiliation. The corners of the priest's mouth twitched in order to hold in the burst of laughter building inside him. The masked man wanted to crawl inside a hole if there was one.

"I see you're hungry."

"...yeah."

-----------------------------

Kokage Village was a small, deserted village that seemed to have been abandoned for some time. Most homes and shops had either signs of fire or giant holes made by powerful forces of over-sized weaponry. The only buildings intact were the orphanage, one vegetable stand , and a church. One would think there was a massacre that went on in the peaceful, innocent village, but in reality, the village used to be a trap for wandering, hungry missing-nins. They would also believe that all the citizens in the village were just local farmers, but in truth, they were blood-thirsty killers waiting for their prey to hop in their mouths. All the villagers, men, women, elder, and even children, were fully-trained hunter-nins. But, they only did this for one good reason: to live. The people lived on the bounty money placed on the missing ninjas, which varied from twenty thousand-yen (approximately $200) to over one million-yen (you can guess how much). They were never prosperous, but still lived fairly good lives.

Until _they_ came.

Two men, both wearing bamboo hats and black cloaks with red cloud designs on them, appeared at the gates of the village. One was a short, young man with long black hair that was tied in the back. His hat was over his eyes, but people could still see the blood-red eyes peeking through the shadows. The other was a rather tall man, wielding a large sword wrapped in white cloth. When he spoke, the listeners watched his teeth, pointed as a shark's.

Whoever recognized them would regret have ever even touching their Bingo-Book.

-----------------------------

"...Sorry Kakuzu, that was the only thing I could find that might fit ya."

"...Right," Kakuzu's voice had a hint of sarcasm. He stared at the lime-green T-shirt which had a giant pink heart with a pink teddy-bear with a rainbow on it's stomach. His eyes twitched at both the color and the design.

"Your kidding, right?" he asked hopefully.

"'Course not," Hidan replied with a smile, "it was my Auntie's. She was a big Dare Bear fan, and...well, she was quite big herself." The priest snickered while Kakuzu continued to let his eyes twitch at the thought of wearing a shirt with a pink bear saying "I need a HUG". Kakuzu started to wish the words actually said "I need to PUNCH", for that's exactly what he wanted to do to the silver-haired man's Auntie right at that moment. Her obsession and size has forced the poor, clothing deprived man to wear an embarrassing Dare Bear T-shirt that might as well mentally scar him for life. Maybe even physically, if he got lucky.

Kakuzu sighed. "Hey Hidan?"

"Yeah?"

"I can keep my pants, right?"

"'Course not."

"...What?!"

Hidan laughed.

-----------------------------

Author: Whew! Finally, I uploaded SOMETHING for once in my lifetime...Anyway, my first Naruto fic...I believe...oh well, anyway, comment please! (and please be nice...Mee-chan can't handle harsh words...) Obviously, I'm not a very skilled writer...grargh. Gimmie some advice for...well, writing stories, and some ideas for the next chapter, I can't think at ALL...nyegh. Oh, and THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! ...Oh crap, I forgot to feed Kakuzu. I guess I'll do that in the next chapter then.

Kakuzu: I'm starving to death here you damned...thing! FEED ME!!!

Author: Well, I can't help it if I'm too lazy to write!

Kakuzu: This thing can't write...I should kill it

Author: NYEGH! DON'T KILL ME!

Hidan: That's not nice Kakuzu

Author: Hidan...!

Hidan: It should be sacrificed for Jashin-sama!

Author: THAT'S EVEN WORSE! GYAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!

EDIT (Once again): 'Catachresis' told me that Kakuzu's eyes were actually green and brown, not inverted black and white, so Mee-chan fixed it. Now I don't feel left out and confused! THANK YOU!!!


	2. Chapter 2

_(Disclaimer: Do I have to do this in every single firggin' chapter? Oh well, this might be the last...or not. Naruto is not mine, all Kishimoto's, if anybody has any complaints about that, buy it off him or go on Ebay and steal his soul)_

For those who have posted wonderful comments, I LOVE YOU! Thank you so much for the encouragement! I'll probably be writing more chapters in the future, so...yeah. HUGS AND PIES FOR YOU!

For those who sent offensive comments, SHAME ON YOU. If you don't like it, don't read it, and don't send discouraging messages that puts people down. I made the characters different just for this story, and for a good reason, so shut up and don't come back if your going to be anal towards it.

Chapter 2...

"What...is that?"

Kakuzu stared at the black and green substance inside the frying pan. He thought the colors the Dare Bear T-shirt Hidan made him to wear was bad, but this thing was just plain horrid. It's stench was not only stomach-churning, but eye-stinging as well. He had to force himself to swallow the rising stomach acid back down. No starving rat would even dare go near that..."thing" in question.

The said cook replied brightly, "It's spinach casserole! Hope you like it." Kakuzu scrunched his nose, watching as a huge green bubble formed in the center of the "casserole". He flinched as "it" made a POP sound and droplets of "it" flew onto the polished wood floor. A sizzling sound was heard from below, and both men watched as the green-goo substance created a small black crater on the floor with a bit of black smoke snaking out.

The scarfed man and the priest were both silent and amazed by the work done by the little droplet. Hidan wondered how big of a crater that "thing" could make if he dropped the rest of the concoction. Kakuzu wondered what the hell kind of ingredients within the "casserole" could create such damage. For five whole minutes, the only sound that was made in the kitchen was the fading sizzling sound of the "casserole" droplet.

"...That 'thing' is supposed to be...edible?" Kakuzu was the one to break the silence. The masked man was seriously worried that the priest would force feed him, and also feared that his stomach would meet the same fate as the wood if done. But Hidan turned around, walked over to the sink, and set the pan down inside, as if ignoring Kakuzu's question. He turned on the faucet and allowed the water to cool the pan and drained "it" down. His ruby eyes watched sadly as the once "Quick-'n-Easy-to-Make: Spinach Casserole" traveled down the drain, hoping that the little fish in the ocean would appreciate his cooking.

Kakuzu pitied the people that lived near the sea. They were pretty dependent on the fish there, and Hidan's casserole was either going to kill them by starvation (because of the lack of fish) or from a giant hole made in their stomach (fish eat casserole, people eat fish).

Hidan inhaled deeply, then loudly exhaled. He was wearing a sunny yellow apron that had navy blue words that read, "Kiss this Cook", and underneath that he was wearing a plain white long-sleeve shirt, which was rolled up at the moment because he was cooking, and black Capri pants. His silver hair that was once tied up was now all down. Instead, black pins replaced the rubber band by holding up his bangs so none of his hair would fall on his face (which worked out quite nicely) or in the "food" (which obvoiusly turned out to be a complete failure).

He unrolled his sleeves and took out the pins, allowing the loose hair to fall back in place. He walked towards a cabinet and opened it reluctantly. He stared at it's emptiness, and the emptiness stared back, as if mocking him. Kakuzu, seeing the air around the priest darkening with melancholy, walked towards the other man and patted his back sympathetically, unsure of what to say to him.

"Guess we're going out then, huh?" The priest lifted his head from the cabinets and gave a weak smile.

Kakuzu nodded his head. "Agreed."

"I'll get ready. You got any money on you?" Hidan closed the empty cabinet and undid his apron. Kakuzu moved out of the way to give the man some space.

"Yeah, I have some...," he replied, but then noticed something. "But there aren't any people here anyway. Who are we paying?"

Hidan, neatly folding his apron, replied, "Well, I never said we're going out to eat in THIS village, did I?" His usual grin reappeared. "You can use Genjyutsu (Illusion Technique), right?"

-----------------------------

He could not believe he actually agreed to do this.

Kakuzu, member of the Akatsuki clan, ex-Hidden Falls ninja, wielder of five stolen hearts of elite ninjas, S-rank killer, assassin of the First Hokage...

Was dressed as a woman.

Hidan was on his back, clutching his stomach, laughing uncontrollably, and unable to breath. The cross-dressed man's face was red with disgust and embarrassment. He felt that his self esteem has dropped significantly low(er).

"Th-that has the be...hehehe...!!! The best...haha, thing, I've...AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! KAKUZU! YOUR KILLING ME---HEHEHE!!!!!" The rolling man barely got the words out between the constant giggles and laughter. Kakuzu glared knives and forks at him while he examined himself in the mirror.

It was the kind with all the flairy goodness. Red, black, and gold threads danced and twisted all over, making random designs what almost resembled elephant paintings (another words, sloppy but pretty). The skirt came down to his knees, rippling with neat waves on the end. The top layer was made with an extremely light material, so it literally moved as if it were alive. The layer underneath was slightly longer, though not long enough to cover all of his legs knee down. Fortunately, he got to wear long boots

"Holy shit, with HEELS???" Kakuzu was horrified as the priest pulled out a pair of leather boots from the same closet he found the Dare Bear T-shirt. Hidan's lips curled into an evil grin.

"Well, I don't think many people would like to see your...'slim-n'-beautiful' legs, now." The air around the priest was darkening once again, but this time it was accompanied with Hidan's evil chuckling and him rubbing both hands together like a mad scientist cooking up a diabolical experiment. Kakuzu paled, inching away from the priest, away from the boots. "It's not my fault that you suck at transforming into a woman, or anything of that matter," Hidan pointed out mockingly.

"Quite frankly, I'd prefer it that way," Kakuzu snapped back angrily. But, as much as he hated to admit, Hidan was right. Whenever the masked man used either his Genjyutsu or Henge (Transformation Technique), he either ended up changing into a strange, mutant-like creature with four to ten arms, or the jyutsu just didn't work. It was probably the balance of chakra within him that was causing disruption in his body system. Since he had five hearts from other high-ranking ninjas, each having it's own unique technique, made it hard for one man to control every one of them without breaking his concentration. He was capable of controlling the main chakra stream of each heart when he used complicated, large-scale techniques, but when it came to simple, Genin-level jyutsus, his body seemed to "repel" the chakra back into each heart, causing a type of backfire on his body. Not only was this backfire painful, but it was also quite chakra and stamina-consuming. This also results to a pretty grumpy Kakuzu. Plus, wearing woman's clothing, Hidan's Auntie's clothing to be exact, was making the scarf-faced man into a VERY grumpy ninja. He was also STARVING. "So, when do we leave?" He asked impatiently. Hidan's grin disappeared and his eyes widened with surprise. But the smirk returned again, but this time, much wider.

"What? Are you eager for the world to see you in your new outfit?" The silver haired man teased.

"I'll bite you. I'm hungry," the irritated, ex-Falls nin growled. He was not in the mood. To be quite honest, he was starting to not care what he was wearing now. As long as his stomach was going to be full, fine, he'll take the humiliation right off the bat. But when he's finished, he'll kill all the ones that have mocked his "fashion sense".

Detecting the tension and anger building around the man, the priest decided it was time to leave for food.

"Alright, alright, let's go then," he declared, grabbing a jacket hanging from a nearby stool. As he turned his face to look at other, he couldn't help but giggle as the man's sulky attitude reminded him of a small child that had his lollipop taken away. Kakuzu, noticing the priest was snickering, shot another death glare at him, as if saying, "I'll eat your face bitch, start walking." The said priest continued to snigger, but got the message. Both men walked out of the room without another word.

-----------------------------

While searching for the keys in his pockets, Hidan felt a wrapper hit his palm. As he peered inside, he found a butterscotch candy that he forgot to give to..._Hmm, who was it?_ He cocked his head to the side, straining to remember who. _Niece? Nephew? Or was it a cousin? Maybe...a family friend's daughter or son...? Grr, who was it? Auntie?_

"Hidan." A deep voice brought Hidan back from his thoughts. He turned around to see Kakuzu a few feet away, waiting for him, eager to finally eat something.

_In a skirt,_ he snickered again. He found the keys and locked the door with a _click_. He trotted to Kakuzu's side and both strolled on toward the gates of the village.

Hidan looked up at the sky, staring at it's blue wonder and counting passing birds. "Hey Kakuzu?"

"Yeah?"

"Want butterscotch?" Hidan thought he saw a priceless expression on the other man's face when it lit up hearing the offer for food, which reminded him more of a happy child that got his precious candy back. Without waiting for a reply, the priest tossed the orange candy at Kakuzu. He could tell that the man was relieved to have something to relax the protesting stomach which was bothering him this whole time.

"Thanks."

"No prob."

-----------------------------

Author: Ah-WOOT! Chapter two up! This thing took longer than I thought...I still can't thiiiiiiiiiiink...I want coffee...

Kakuzu: You still haven't fed me you blasted piece of shit!

Author: Shush you fool! At least I gave you candy!

Kakuzu: FUCK CANDY! I NEED FOOD! Anyway, Hidan gave it to me, not you bitch

Hidan: Kakuzu! Stop using profanity in front of little children with virgin ears

Author: Yeah! That's right!

Hidan: That's MY job!

Author: Yeah! Stop stealing his j---WHAT?! Hidan!

Kakuzu: Oh shut up, it's not like they're gonna stay innocent forever

Author: At least let them have a chance to live their short, innocent life

Kakuzu: I still think I should kill this thing...

Hidan: That's also my job! Stop stealing my things, Kakuzu!

Author: Do I get any say in this?

Both: NO

Author: Aw crap


	3. Chapter 3

(Disclaimer: I've decided to write this disclaimer crap since I found out that a certain friend of mine likes these more than my stories, which I find quite amusing. Naruto is unfortunately not mine. Otherwise I would completely alter it into a Akatsuki thing that would almost be like a doujinshi. It probably will be one. Muahahahaha, FEAR MY AWSOME FANGIRL POWERS!!!!)

Chapter 3...

Soon after the two men waltzed through the gates of the deserted village, Kakuzu was once again irritated, but this time it wasn't his empty stomach's fault.

"My feet are killin' me." He has already tripped several times before reaching the gates, but now he was open to any kind of dangerous pebbles and mud, maybe even roadkill. Heel's are not the best footwear for long distance travel, especially for men. The scarfed man has sworn to burn the boots once this travel was done and over with.

"How's it doin' down there in Scotland?" Hidan asked, pointing down to Kakuzu's skirt. The ex-Falls nin cocked his eyebrows, slightly confused.

"Scotland?"

"It's a country I've read somewhere. They say men there wear short skirts called 'kilts'. Some don't even wear underwear underneath it...or so they say."

Kakuzu scrunched his nose. "Ew."

-------------------------

Kisame Hoshigaki was standing in front of a dango shop, patiently waiting for the waiter inside to bring out the twelve sticks of dango Itachi Uchiha has ordered. His hands reached for the fat shark wallet (imgaine Naruto's frog wallet and convert it into a little blue shark) when he saw the man skittering back with a brown bag. The waiter kept eying the tall man with a weary expression, especially at his teeth.

"Th-that'll be f-fourteen dollars, s-sir," he shakily said, handing the shark-man the bag with sweaty palms. Kisame simply took the bag and dropped the money on the shaky hands.

"Thank you very much," he politely said, giving the man a slight bow and a grin. The waiter, still quivering, also gave him a small bow and dashed into the back of the store. The blue man turned on his heels and headed towards to where his partner was waiting while thinking, _Damned coward. _Because of his abnormal skin color and height (not to mention his sword), he grabbed too many people's attention, which was extremely annoying and bothersome. Itachi was the one that usually went out buying supplies, but unfortunately he had a fever which impaled his vision which was already partly gone.

Itachi was leaning on a street sign, bored out of his mind. He was so bored that he turned around every once in a while and counted the cracks and missing paint chips on the pole, as if checking whether the numbers have increased or decreased from the last time he looked.

_77...78...79...80. Yup, they're all there all right._ His thoughts gave a sarcastic approval as he finished counting. It was probably the fever's fault that made him do something so...un-Uchiha-like. He sighed and touched his forehead which was burning (he had his forehead protector off because his head hurt like a bitch). That was when he felt a tingle of strong and familiar chakra heading toward him. _Kisame, _he thought. His eyes shifted from the pole to a dark figure suddenly standing next to him.

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Itachi-san," the shark-man lowered his head down apologetically, "the waiter was a bit...slow." He showed the younger man the paper bag, grinning slightly. "Would you like to have one now?" Itachi stared at the ex-Hidden Mist nin with a blank expression. Kisame started to sweatdrop a little bit, confused. _Maybe he doesn't want one at the moment..._

"Yes I do." Itachi held out an impatient hand out at him. Kisame raised his brows a bit, then sighed. _I seriously cannot tell what the hell is going through this kid's mind..._, he thought while opening the bag and pulling out two sticks of dango. He handed one of them to Itachi who eagerly took it out of the older man's hand. His now free hand roamed up to the Uchiha's forehead and felt the fiery heat radiating off his skin.

"Are you sure your okay? Can you make it back?" Kisame asked in a worried tone. He really didn't want to carry the young Uchiha back to their inn because he had his Samehada occupying his back, which would mean he would have to carry him from the front. That would look very, very odd, and grab even more attention, and Kisame disliked too much of that. But besides those facts, the shark-man was certainly concerned about his partner's condition. Itachi's onyx eyes caught Kisame's yellow orbs and glared.

"I'll be fine," he said, shaking Kisame's hand off his head. "Let's go."

The blue-skinned man watched as the shorter one got a few steps head start back towards the inn. He sighed louder and obediently followed him.

_I feel like his Mother._

-------------------------

"So, why did you come all the way to Kokage Village?"

It was a simple question. Normal people would be equally curious about others who have suddenly appeared laying on the ground, bloody, half-starving, and...stitchy. The scarfed man was silent, wanting to answer the question but unable to just yet.

_I need to motivate Hidan into joining the Akatsuki Organization before I tell him anything about it,_ he mused, _I barely know anything about this guy, besides the fact that he sucks at cooking and believes in a God who is obsessed with bloodshed and sacrifices..._Kakuzu felt his body quiver with fear as he remembered the "Casserole of Doom" episode.

"Uh, Kakuzu...?" Hidan waved a hand in front of the other man, attempting to catch his attention, which didn't work. What did work was that Kakuzu's heels (remember, they're HIGH heeled boots) stepped on a round stone that made him fall backwards and hit his head on the rocky ground.

"AHAOW! SHIT!!!" Kakuzu rubbed his head and sat up on his elbow. He felt a nice, round bump forming on the back of his head (he was so going to feel that in the morning). Hidan, once again for the umpteenth time today alone, was laughing behind his hand, clutching his stomach with the other. The scarfed man's brows furrowed and his cheeks blushed. "You just really love to laugh at my pain, don't you?"

"Oh, hell yeah!" Hidan was still giggling while he pulled Kakuzu back up. That was when both noticed something different.

"...Kakuzu, did you shrink?"

"...Hidan, did you go through a sudden growth spurt?"

The priest and the scarfed man looked down at the boots. The heels were broken off at the roots.

"..."

"..."

The awkward silence continued for a few seconds until both men burst out into chaotic laughter. They spat out random nonsense at each other, one commenting that the heels couldn't take on his weight and the other cackling that his Auntie tries too hard (she probably did). Neither of them remembered what they were talking about earlier. Nor did they care much to remember.

-------------------------

_GRRRRRRRRROWLLLLLL..._

"Oh please, not again..." Kakuzu rolled his inverted eyes in an annoyed fashion, trying to calm the protesting stomach. The silver haired man genuinely pitied the other, knowing that he has not eaten anything, from what he heard from him, for three days straight for reasons still yet unknown. He attempted to started up a conversation so Kakuzu might forget his hunger, even just for a little bit, before they reach their destination.

"Sorry man, I don't have any more butterscotch on me." (Not such a good start, Hidan)

"'Sall right, I still have half left."

"What?"

"Or, maybe it's a third...I can't tell, it's a bit small..."

"No, I mean, you only ate half of it?"

"Well, when you meet a cheap guy like me, you'd be surprised of what I do on sales."

"I'd like to see."

"I'm sure you would."

As their conversation went on, Hidan's plan was working smoothly according to plan. Soon, both were so caught up with their conversations that they didn't notice passing through the ocean blue gates of Harusame Village.

-------------------------

The Uchiha prodigy suddenly stopped. Kisame, slightly bewildered by the young man's unexpected halt, looked down to see what was going on. He seemed to be staring at something at the gate. Or someone. Of course, he couldn't see anything too far away, but his other senses seemed to replace his eyes. Kisame lifted his head to take a look the gate, and sure enough, somebody was there. Two figures, who seemed to be busily chatting away. One looked like a silver haired male wearing a navy blue jacket and black Capris. He looked about 20, mid-20ish. The other seemed to be a female, judging from her skirt. She wore a white scarf over her mouth, a black bandanna on her head, and wore a very green T-shirt with some colorful designs and logos on it. Kisame noticed the woman lacked...cleavage (no, Kisame is not a pervert, it's just something one notices when they want to determine another's gender).

"Kisame, I sense Kakuzu's chakra from the one on the left." Itachi spoke quietly, just barely loud enough for his partner to hear. Kisame's eyes widened, for the figure on the left was the "woman".

"Excuse me?" Though the prodigy had a fever and lacked any kind of visual quality, Kisame never doubted the younger man's judgment, but this was just plain ridiculous. Kakuzu? Wearing a skirt? And a lime-green T-shirt with a Dare Bear logo on it saying "I need a HUG"? Nah, it can't be him.

But Kisame forgot one thing. He has only seen the side-view of the "woman"'s head, so he couldn't be completely doubtful.

-------------------------

Hidan was the first to notice their arrival. "Hey, whaddaya know, we got here safe and sound!" Kakuzu looked around the quiet village. Apparently, the people that lived here were quite fond of the color blue. Every homes, apartments and shops he could see were practically in all shades of blue one could imagine.

_Heh, the next thing I know, I'll see blue people roaming around..._, Kakuzu mentally chuckled, remembering a certain shark man that...

"Oh my..." The scarfed man's face turned white.

"Hey Kakuzu! Let's go over---...Kakuzu...?"

Kakuzu didn't hear Hidan's concerned voice. Nor did he see the blue village anymore. The only thing he saw was Itachi Uchiha and Kisame Hoshigaki staring at him with the same dinner plate-sized eyes Hidan gave him earlier that morning.

Kakuzu and Kisame's voice spoke in unison, "HOLY SHIT."

-------------------------

Author: Is this a cliff-hanger? It is now. Bwahaha! I finally finished this bloody chapter! This seriously took up half my homework time...holy crud, I still have math to do...

Kakuzu: You seriously fail at life. And writing. WHEN THE HELL DO I GET TO EAT???!!

Hidan: Can I sacrifice you?

Author: No you may not

Kakuzu: You also find enjoyment by torturing me constantly. How would you like it if I tore out your organs alive and wrapped your intestines around a tree to see how long it is, hmm? Or maybe I can give it to Zetsu so he can take those intestines to wrap around his cannibalistic Christmas tree, and hang the rest of your organs with it?! HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU LIKE THAT BITCH!!!!!!

Kisame: Please Kakuzu-san! Calm down a bit...

Itachi: Get a bar of soap to clean that mouth of yours. You seriously need Tic-Tacs too

Hidan: I'll find you another butterscotch candy, now how would Kakuzu like that?

Kakuzu: I hate you all

Author: Even Mee-chan?

Kakuzu: ESPECIALLY YOU!!!!!


	4. Chapter 4

(Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine. This fanfic is. Whoever steals either of these shall perish from the face of the Earth, along with their lovely relatives. I'll keep the house.)

Chapter 4...

"Kakuzu-san? Is that really you?" The shark-man asked cautiously, even though he already confirmed it was him by his inverted pupils and black stitches circling both his arms. Kakuzu nodded, ashamed of meeting his fellow comrades in such...inappropriate and unneeded fashion. Hidan, meanwhile, was somewhat catching up on what was going on, but was still lost. He examined Kisame and Itachi's black coat with red designs on it and guessed it was the uniform of the organization Kakuzu mentioned earlier.

_Akatsuki, eh?_ The priest suddenly grew interested on the subject. He wanted to know more. But before he asked any questions, he quietly watched the scenario with the three Akatsuki members with curious eyes.

"Kakuzu, I never really bothered to know what your interests were," Itachi signed, "but now your starting to worry me."

"I have no interest in women's clothing!" The scarfed man spat out, his face turning pinkish once again. He huffed and snapped, "Why the hell are you guys here anyway? Weren't you two supposed to be at the Hidden Leaf Village?"

"Well," Kisame started, "it was a long distance from where Itachi-san and I were to the Hidden Leaf, and the weather conditions were not in our favor." He pointed down to the Uchiha. "Itachi-san caught a pretty bad fever from the rain a few nights before, so we've decided to stay at an inn until he is fully recovered. Which brings us here today."

Kakuzu glanced down at the shorter man. "Serves you right," he muttered, but the Uchiha prodigy caught it. He glared into the other's bright green eyes, readying his onyx ones to activate his Sharingan so he could make the masked man suffer his infamous Tsukuyomi. The shark man quickly stopped him by swiftly grabbing Kakuzu's white scarf with lightning speed and wrapped it around the younger man's eyes. Itachi, overwhelmed by the sudden impact over his eyes, fell over and landed on his buttocks with a _thud._ The others watched as Itachi attempted to stand up, but he kept falling again and again, and then without warning, he fainted right on the spot.

"I guess using too much chakra when you have a fever is not the smartest thing to do, huh?" Kisame chuckled, but then let out a heavy sigh. Now he HAS to carry the boy back to their inn. _Oh joy._ He remembered the last time he had to carry him. It was after a battle with an Anbu squad from a random village he didn't care enough to memorize. Itachi used his Mangekyou Sharingan far too long and passed out after he finished them off. The shark-man carried him "dead-deer style" and sprinted to the nearest shelter he could find. But he forgot that his over-sized weapon responded to any kind of chakra form nearby (it was on his back), and it actually sucked out (or "shaved") almost all of Itachi's leftover chakra. Therefore, he was in critical condition for a longer period of time than he was supposed to be. Afterwards, Kisame nearly lost two-thirds of his lifespan because of Itachi's "It's-All-Your-Fucking-Fault-That-I-Nearly-Died" attack, which included thousands of shuriken and kunai's showering down, several Amaterasus and Tsukuyomis (and other torture Genjyutsus), and, of course, Itachi's black double swords slashing endlessly at the poor ex-Hidden Mist nin.

This was another reason why Kisame could only carry him "bride-style" (scary images!), but he didn't approve of it very much, especially in public, even though he knew the dire consequences he must face later if he didn't.

Kakuzu watched as a familiar gloom was radiating from the blue man, along with a long, tired sigh and a slight slouch on his back. He walked up to the man and patted his back in a similar way he did with Hidan that morning. It was a reaction, a strange one, but a reaction nonetheless. Kakuzu opened his stitched mouth and asked, "You want me to carry him?" Kisame's yellow orbs lit, hinting the now-scarfless man that he should take that as a yes. He bent down and grabbed the unconscious Uchiha's back collar and pulled him up like a cat. But then he had a second thought and lowered him, still clutching on to his coat. Instead, he stood up and chose to drag him like a dead body. Since Kakuzu was quite tall, the only thing that really touched the ground was Itachi's heels.

"So, which way is the inn?"

Kisame, still slightly amused by the way Kakuzu was carrying his partner, opened his mouth to answer until

_GRRRRRRROOOWLLLL..._

This was the loudest protest from a stomach any man could have imagined to make. It was so loud, all three men could of sworn that people halfway across the WORLD would have heard that. Locals stopped their chatting abruptly as they were interrupted by the internal complaint. They looked around for the source of the noise, but soon shrugged it off and continued with their life. Kakuzu thanked every God in existence that people were ignorant enough to not notice it was him. He set his free had on his stomach and felt the soundless vibration of his empty stomach settle after a few seconds. His inverted eyes stared down, thinking, _I'm guessing that's not such a good sign._ A hand landed on each of his shoulders suddenly and Kakuzu spun his head around to see two concerned faces of Hidan and Kisame.

"Kakuzu-san, I believe it's time for you to eat."

"You're not going anywhere until that damn stomach of yours is full."

The ex-Hidden Falls nin was slightly dumbfounded, but then nodded his head, not noticing a smile forming on his stitched lips.

With Kisame leading the group, all three men (and one passed out Itachi) started to walk towards the center of the Harusame Village. The designs on Kakuzu's skirt glittered brilliantly as it flowed on behind, catching the attention of random locals who were trying to figure out whether he was a male or female. Maybe even a transsexual. But they tried not to think of that.

-----------------------------

Making their way through the small crowd of Harusame Village, Hidan thought through all the questions he was planning to ask once they got to a restaurant. He mentally listed all the evidence that he has gathered so far:

The Akatsuki Organization is a secret alliance which was created relatively recently, therefore is the reason why he has never heard of it

He noticed a long, thin scar passing through two of the nin's headgear, so he assumes that they're both missing-nins from other Hidden Villages

Judging by their appearance and chakra level, all or at least most of the members are highly skilled Jounins, Anbu Captains, or any other elite-level ninjas

Supposedly, all the members know each other fairly well, meaning that there are only a small number of people who actually joined

Since there are only a small number of members, he highly doubted that each ninja would go on missions alone. Maybe a two to three ninjas per group, but not solo

_So,_ he concluded, _Kakuzu came the the village to either look for his missing partner or to find a new one._ Hidan smirked, partially assuming it was him. But then a new question arose. _Why me? There are plenty of other powerful missing-nins out there. _His ruby eyes looked straight at the man in front of him who was still dragging the blindfolded Itachi like a child with a rag doll.

_Why me?_

-----------------------------

"How's here?" Kisame pointed out a small blue restaurant a few feet away. It looked like a fairly simple place until they looked up and stared at the sign that read, "Great White" in big bold letters. Two sharks were painted on the sign, each posed to bite off one of the letters. A number of yellow light bulbs rimmed the edges, flickering on and off every now and then.

"These people are wasting money on their electricity bill," Kakuzu commented. "They should know that nobody's going to notice that the lights are on, especially in the afternoon."

"Kakuzu-san, I know you have a fetish for money, but it's not yours, so why should you care?" The shark-man said, giving the other man a stern expression. The stitched man frowned and gave Kisame the same face.

"Kisame, I know you have a fetish for fish, but that doesn't mean you have to drag the rest of us down with you, ya know?" Kakuzu huffed. A vein of anger was visible on the ex-Hidden Falls nin's face. He was fond of the ex-Hidden Mist nin and rarely got into any arguments with him, but when the stitch-man was in a foul mood like he was now, no matter who it was, his temper rose at the smallest things until he finally snapped.

The shark-man shot him a menacing glare, his hands ghosting over the handle of his Samehada threateningly. Kakuzu responded to the threat by raising his free hand. The thick black stitches on his forearm loosened themselves and slithered around his arm like a snake. The tip of it rose up like a head, as if it was readying itself to strike it's prey.

Hidan was quite amused with the show. He watched as sparks were flying everywhere between the two Akatsuki member's eyes, glaring at each other to death. He bet his money on Kakuzu, even though he didn't have anybody to bet with (isn't that the point?).

Both were ready to clobber one another until

_GRRRRRROWWLLLLL..._

Both members froze in place, unable to respond to what just happened. Kisame bit his lip trying to hold in the urge to crack up and weaken his guard. But the man in front of him seemed to have lost the will to fight. The black string (tentacle? stitch?) sewed itself back into his arm as he put it down.

"Aw, fuck it. Let's go in and eat." Kakuzu then turned his head around to look down at the still-unconscious Uchiha. Feeling unkind and evil all the sudden (not that he already wasn't), he dropped Itachi who hit his head in the dirt road. _Hard. _His eyes snapped open behind the white scarf and tears of pain were already welled up inside.

"...!!!" A soundless scream of pain from the prodigy pleased the stitched man. Kakuzu was not very fond of the young man, for he was "a damn stuck-up, no good sone of a bitch" as he claims, so inflicting pain on him in some way, shape, or form made Kakuzu happy. Plus, Itachi had to suffer a fever, so it made Kakuzu a _very_ happy person.

"We're going inside to eat. Get up and stay up," Kakuzu said to the Uchiha, "'cause I am defiantly NOT going to drag you around like Zetsu's next meal."

"..." Itachi sat up and unwrapped the cloth over his eyes. His face darkened as he glared at the taller man. Kakuzu gave a humph and walked off towards Kisame. As the Uchiha gave no sign of attempt to get up, the forgotten priest went up to him and offered some assistance. Itachi, having high pride and reputation, shot his now Sharingan eyes dangerously at him that said, "TOUCH ME AND PERISH." Hidan was freaked out by the Uchiha's eyes suddenly change from onyx to crimson within milliseconds. While he was frozen in place, Itachi smoothly stood up and caught up with the other two men who were already standing in front of the "Great White" restaurant, waiting for the younger two.

"Hidan!" Kakuzu called over to Hidan loudly. The silver haired priest swung his head so fast he thought he heard his neck crack. Ignoring the strange snapping sound that came from Hidan, Kakuzu continued, "What the hell are you waiting for? The Apocalypse? Hurry up!" Hidan tried to nod, but his head was stuck in the somewhat painful position. He took his hands and placed them on both sides of his head. He jerked them around quickly to face front, cracking his neck back in it's normal position.

"I'm comin', I'm comin'." The priest rose and strode towards the group, rolling his neck side to side making popping noises along the way. The other three members looked at him like he was crazy or something, but shrugged it off and all four marched inside.

-----------------------------

Author: I never really planned to write so many chapters for such a stupid story. But ah, well, at least I'm not wasting anymore paper with my drawings now

Hidan: Kakuzu's finally gonna be able to eat! REJOICE!

Kakuzu: What did you say about letting me "eat after the next chapter"?

Author: Er...cake?

Kakuzu: I'M GOING TO EAT YOU INSTEAD BITCH!!!!!!

Author: GYAAAAAAAHHH!!! Don't eat me! I, I, I taste like...um, uh...BUTT!!!

Kakuzu: Why you little...!!!

Kisame: (Holds Kakuzu back) Please Kakuzu-san! Some decency and patients! It's still working on the fifth chapter right now!

Kakuzu: I don't give a shit! LET ME KILL IT!!!!!!!!!

Itachi: If you kill it, you'll never be able to eat again, Kakuzu. I don't even know Kishimoto's gonna be planning to make a scene with you eating anything, unless he kills you off like he did with Sasori...

Sasori: Hey, I'm still alive now you bastard

(Pause)

All (but Sasori): OH MY GWAD!!!! ZOMBIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! (runs)

Sasori: ...damn you all (walks off)


	5. Chapter 5

(Disclaimer: Some Quantum physicists have theorized that there are Multi-Universes floating around somewhere out there. I deem this true, for there are worlds called Fan-Fiction and Fan-Art all over the internet. Computers can't tell lies, but humans can deny. Naruto is not mine, but I deny this fact, not because I am human, but because I can. My point? I have no clue what the hell I'm talking about, so I think I'll shut up right about now)

Chapter 5...

"ISSEI, THAT MOTHER FUCKING BITCH!!!" A roar of pure anger thundered within the little restaurant moments after the four members stepped inside. Like a sonic boom, all members (plus some other customers) felt a small earthquake shake the whole place. "I'M GOING TO KILL HIM AND EAT HIS BABIES IF HE DOSEN'T SHOW HIS FAT ASS HERE IN 15 MINUTES!!!!!!!!" With loud crashes and other falling materials, a person clothed in a chef's uniform stumbled out from the kitchen, along with some random pots and pans following him out. He tripped but caught himself by grasping a nearby table which was occupied by an elderly couple. He immediately let go, bowing his head a number of times before he noticed Kakuzu and the gang. He gave one last bow and dashed towards the group.

"I am so sorry!" He quickly bowed down again. "All of our waiters and waitresses have gone missing, and one of our cooks haven't arrived yet," the man lifted his head with a forced smile on his face, "so I'll be at your service for this afternoon!" It was obvious that he didn't have a good look at the four in the beginning, because his crooked smile was slowly converting into a confounded frown. He was looking at a very tall, very blue man with lines on cheek that resembled gills, and another that had stitched-up lips and seemed to be cross-dressing (horribly) as a woman. The shorter men behind seemed younger, maybe around his age, and looked quite normal (oh, if he only knew).

"A table for four, please," Kisame politely asked with a toothy grin. He was enjoying himself by watching the younger man's expressions change constantly at the sight.

"Uhm...uh...oh! Y-yessir! Right away!" The baffled waiter/cook let the group to a fairly large, wooden table that already had menus ready for them. Kisame, Kakuzu, and Itachi sat themselves down, but Hidan was still standing, patting his jacket and pants, looking for something.

"Aw shit," he slapped himself on the forehead, "I forgot to bring my pike." All three Akatsuki members and one confused waiter/cook gave him the "WTF?" and "Huh???" look. The priest lifted his head and had a saddened expression on his face. It was the same one he had when he drained his so-called spinach casserole. Hidan cried, "I can't give my ritual to Jashin-sama! Argh, I knew I forgot something before we left..." The silver haired man's head drooped and his arms dangled, obviously depressed that he can't eat nor get his blessings from his beloved God. Then, his head perked up with a small grin. He had an idea.

"Hey! Uh, you! Waiter, cook, boy, whatever!"

"Huh? What? Me? What?"

"Do you have a long, thin pole in your kitchen?"

"Well, we do have one what we use to roast whole hogs...why?"

"I'm gonna need it. Make sure you have a bucket and a mop to clean up after. It's gonna get messy."

-----------------

A half-hour later, the priest returned to the groups with a content smile on his face. But that wasn't the only thing that he came back with. Kakuzu and Kisame's jaws dropped to the floor while Itachi just stared at the priest with a surprised expression (something you don't see everyday).

"Heyas! I'm back...why are you guys looking at me weird?" Hidan scratched the back of his head, confused.

"Hidan...," Kakuzu managed to choke out, "does your so-called 'God' require you to sacrifice a friggin' cow before you eat?"

It was quite a sight. The priest apparently poked a giant hole on his chest, revealing a still-healing wound that would have been a fatal. His shirt was soaked with blood, and his jacket was also starting to get dark spots from absorbing the wet blood on the shirt. His bottom lip had a smear of dried blood, showing that he has attempted to wipe it off. To most, this should have reminded them of a horror movie, particularly 'Psycho'. Hidan scowled at Kakuzu, taking offense on his comment.

"It's our rule to do our ritual for Jashin-sama before we do anything that will fill in our own needs! And yes, that includes eating!" The irritated priest shifted his eyes towards the shark-man who was readying his mouth open to say something. He clamped it shut, biting his tongue in the process. He suppressed his urge to yelp in pain as his sharp teeth dug themselves in. Instead, he excused himself to the men's room and trotted away from their table while covering his mouth with his hands. Itachi shook his head slowly side to side, as if he was ashamed to be partners with such a pitiful man. Hidan took a seat next to Kakuzu and grabbed a menu from the center of the table. "So, what looks good?"

Kakuzu scanned through his menu. "How does 'Nee-Mo Steak' sound?"

"What the hell's a 'Nee-Mo'?"

"Apparently, it's a type of clown-fish."

"...You can eat clown-fish? They're edible?"

"I bet they're more edible than your casserole."

"Hey! I---"

"ISSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The restaurant shook once more, but this time the quake actually made those who were standing fall to the floor, including Kisame who was busily tending his bloody tongue in the bathroom. The horrendous uproar was followed by a cry, and like a deja-vu, the same waiter-cook flew out of the kitchen door with even more pots and pans following him. Itachi, who was annoyed by the constant chaos that has been going on, got up and marched towards the terrified waiter-cook and demanded answers to the commotion.

"W-well, you see," the waiter-cook said, "w-we only have two cooks, that including me, b-but Issei hasn't come yet, s-so I'm the only one making the f-food. T-that was the first thing that made our Head-Chef mad, but n-now he's pissed b-because...uh, well...," the poor man scratched his head and looked away, trying not to contact his eyes with the Uchiha's.

"Because...?"

(Note: Please read the following quote as fast as you can. Try not to pull your tongue muscle.)

"There were bloody markings, sir, on the kitchen floor! Right after that silver haired man left the kitchen, I went in with a bucket and mop like he told me to, and, well, it was just there, and I asked what he has done in there and he just replied, 'Oh, I just did my ritual, there's nothing to worry about', but I was wondering who's blood it was and he's like, 'It's mine, I didn't kill anybody, so just clean up', but then I'm thinking 'how can people stay alive after losing all that blood?' So while I was cleaning up the mess, the Boss showed up and was like, 'Holy butt-shizzle! What happened?!' and I was ready to explain but he's like, 'It's all Issei's fault! I'll kill him! Yargh!' and went all berserk and---"

The waiter-cook kept chattering on and on and on about what happened, and then his story somehow went into his personal life, like how he first dreamed about becoming a pirate since he was a child. Evidently, the man was so excited over what has happened that he couldn't get his mind straightened.

The prodigy was getting quite tired of hearing the man blabber about nothing, so he slapped his head. "You can shut up right about now. Your like a living machine-gun." Waiter-cook bowed his head apologetically, then took out a small notebook and pencil out on his breast pocket.

"Are you all ready to order?"

-----------------

Nearby Harusame Village, a fairly large clay bird flapped it's wings lazily over the village. On it's back was a young man with long, blond hair that was tied into a high ponytail. He wore the black cloak with the red cloud designs that represented that he was an Akatsuki member. His blue eyes were locked on to the "Great White" sign, the ugliest thing any artist can find. He closed his eyes and sighed as his bird neared the dreaded restaurant he was forced to work in.

_Head-Chef Sumi's gonna be ticked, un. Oh well, it was Sasori-danna's fault that I was late anyway, un._

He casted a quick jyutsu and_ poofed _his clothes into a chef's uniform. His clay bird lightly landed on the roof the the restaurant and the blond hopped off. As the bird flew off, he waited until he though it was a good distance away from the village. He raised his right hand up to his face with two fingers pointed upwards and yelled "KA!!!!"

A distant explosion was heard and a large puff of smoke meshed with the clouds. A wicked smile was painted on the blond's face, like an artist who was exceptionally satisfied with his masterpiece. He turned on his heels and slowly walked towards the entrance of the restaurant. He gave one last glance at the sky and grinned.

"Birdy go boom."

-----------------

Kakuzu and Hidan stared at the strange, black, moving...thing that was crawling on their plate. Hidan was poking the thing with his fork, and it seemed to respond by letting out a strange croaking sound.

"What do you think it is?" The priest asked, still poking it and being amused.

"What do you think it _was_?" Kakuzu backed his chair away from it, afraid that it might spit out dangerous chemicals similar to Hidan's casserole and burn holes. From what he could recall, the stitch-man ordered chicken pot-pie, not a demented, smoking, moving, frog...thing. _It must've taken major skill to make food move...or croak,_ Kakuzu thought sarcastically. _Then again, Hidan's also pretty gifted._

Kakuzu lifted his fork and stabbed a baby tomato that was surrounding the black thing. He examined it to check if it was safe to eat. He hesitated but his empty stomach screamed for food, so he carried it to his mouth and bit into it.

"...!!!!"

The moment the tomato's liquid landed on his tongue, an explosion of white-hot pain spread like a wildfire in his mouth. Swallowing the vegetable/fruit quickly, he chugged his glass of water to somewhat ease the pain, which was successful to a certain degree. He snatched Hidan's glass and gulped his share.

"Woah! Kakuzu, did you eat a Pavillon death pepper or somethin'?" The priest watched as the ex-Falls nin banged his head on the table a number of times before knocking himself out cold. "Uh, Kakuzu?" Hidan tapped his shoulder but didn't get any response. Kisame, who returned a few seconds before Kakuzu went crazy, was completely dumbfounded. Itachi, on the other hand, was snickering at his actions with an evil grin, satisfied to see the stitched-man suffer.

"What's with all the commotion, un? Your scaring all of our customer's away, un!"

All (but the KO-ed Kakuzu) turned to look at the source of the new voice.

-----------------

Author: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! _Another _cliff-hanger the reader's must suffer! I apologize, I need sleep to write more...this chapter alone took over three days to pop up, and yet the ending was sooooooo rushed...mah bad. The owner will play a somewhat important-but-not-really role in the next chapter, so don't forget him.

Deidara: It's not much of a cliff-hanger ya know, un. you've already given off too much hints that it was me, un

Author: You suck

Deidara: LIKE YOUR MOM! Un

Itachi: I know you like it

Kisame: Itachi-san! Have you no shame?

Itachi: Shut up, it's not like you don't know what he does on his free-time

Hidan: What? What does he do?

Kakuzu: Hidan, if you want to keep the little-left virgin parts of your mind, don't ask

Author: Ooh! I wanna know!

Kakuzu: You need to die

Author: Why?! I fed you!

Kakuzu: You have no reason to live. DIE (summons "Ghosts")

Author: Aw...C'mon! Give me some credit! I actually took time writ----GYAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!


	6. Chapter 6

(Disclaimer: Your mind is now under my control. Obey and listen. Naruto is not mine, and it should stay that way, or else Shounen-Jump Magazine will refuse to let the comic be posted up in public. It'll probably be rated "TRFYR" or "Too Retarded for Young Readers". Now start reading.)

Chapter 6...

The blond was wearing the same outfit as the waiter-cook, except he didn't have the chef's hat like most would imagine (the ponytail's probably in the way). Instead, he had a hand-towel wrapped around his head like a headband, which seemed to unsuccessfully pull up his long bangs from the left side of his face. He also wore red and white checkered mittens, hinting that he had been baking something before the commotion. He had his hands to his hips and wore a stern expression on his face at first, but when he noticed who he was talking to, it turned into a surprised one.

"Itachi? Kisame? What are you guys doing here, un? Who are those two, un?" The blond pointed at the unconscious Kakuzu and the priest who was trying to shake him awake.

"Deidara-san, that silver haired man is Hidan-san," Kisame answered politely as usual, "and the other one is...Kakuzu-san." Deidara's brows rose a bit, but then he gave a doubting smirk.

"That's not Kakuzu!" He gave a nervous chuckle, "She's wearing a skirt! And even if he does lacks taste in style, I highly doubt he'd wear that ugly T-shirt!" His grin faded away as he watched Itachi and Kisame's heads shake slowly side to side in unison. His face paled as he neared the "woman", pulled off his mittens, and turned "her" head over. There he saw, the ex-Falls nin who's lips were all swollen and red, plus his eyes were rolled back and very teary (evil baby tomato cackles). Deidara's cheeks puffed up in effort to stop the burst of laughter that eventually burst out (Dei-chan can't help it, it's funny).

"Issei-sempai!" The blond's laughter stopped abruptly as he heard the all-too familiar voice. He straightened himself up quickly and had the "I'm-stupid-but-I'm-trying-to-look-professional" face on as he turned to his cook-mate.

"Sorry I was late Tarota, un. Is Sumi mad, un?"

"Oh, he's PISSED."

"Dammit, un." Deidara snapped his fingers with a grim look. "Hey, I left some chicken pot-pie in the oven, un. Hope it's not burnt, un."

Tarota answered brightly, "I took it out on my way here senpai, so don't worry. It's cooling down right now."

"That's good, but who ordered it, un? And where are all the waiters and waitresses, un? I needed to talk to Kanna-chan about that dinner we're supposed to have this weekend, un."

"About that...," Tarota rubbed his neck uncomfortably, "all of 'em have gone missing, senpai. And Head Chef thinks it's your fault."

"And what makes him think that, un?"

"I really don't have a cl---"

"IIIIIISSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh shit, un."

--------------------

_Oh my God, it's a talking BULL._

That was all that Hidan could think as he saw the approaching monster of a human being. Every heavy footfall seemed to crack the wooden floor that was just barely holding up to it's own weight. It also wielded a giant butcher knife seemed much larger than Kisame's Samehada (and that's saying a lot). It's tiny head (at least it looked tiny, maybe because it's body is so enormous) was octopus red and had every vein running in it's skull popping and fuming with anger. It's beast-like eyes rolled down to glare at the blond who was staring back as if it was just a housefly. Hidan, on the other hand, was losing blood in his face and was shivering at the intensity of the monster's existence. _This is the guy he works for...? And he's the Head Chef???_

"ISSEI...," the monster snarled, "THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME THIS WEEK YOU'VE BEEN LATE! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!!!" It was more of a demand than a question. Deidara shrugged his shoulders.

"I overslept, un. Is there a problem, un?"

--------------------

A blast of rage rang throughout the whole village. The locals ignored the roars, all thinking, "Sumi-san's drunk again" at the same time. It happened on a daily basis, so they didn't mind much about it at all. But the next thing didn't happen very often.

Explosions.

Chips of blue and red wood blasted out of the "Great White" restaurant. Children and some male villagers got excited over the random act of action/violence they don't get to see very often while the women and elders rushed inside their homes for safety, all yelling at their husbands to get their rear-ends back home before they stab it with their brooms (Sennen-Goroshi, housewife style, woot).

--------------------

Deidara was having a blast. Literally. His mouth-hands (hand-mouth?) spat out little clay soldiers (we shall call them LCS) at the charging bull-man, all missing it by a quarter of an inch, probably just to intimidate it, or to anger it even more. While other customers screamed and panicked, the blond was having a laughing fit, like one of those crazy laughs from psychotic maniacs. He leaped from table to table while the monster smashed every one of them, creating giant splinters and chips fly all over the place, some even stabbing nearby customers (note: NOT FATAL, so no worries).

Itachi was truly irritated. He can't remember the last time he was so annoyed so much. Or maybe it was the fever that was enhancing the annoyance. Either way, his now-Sharingan eyes were stabbing spears and arrows at the two fighting cooks in front of him. His plan: to catch even a glimpse either one of their eyes and to make them suffer a never-ending cycle of torture and pure chaos. He didn't even care whether Deidara was his comrade or not. Quite frankly, the younger shinobi needed a good "time-out" anyway for his stupidity.

Kisame was shaken, but was prepared. He was ready to run like hell broke loose. What he was looking at was the worst of the situations he could have ever imagined: a slap-happy Deidara throwing miniature bombs at random, a pissed-off Itachi willing to throw an un-Uchiha-like fit on anybody who crosses his path, a raging bull-chef-monster destroying tables, floors, and walls, and a Kakuzu who was pretty much not going to wake up any time soon. The shark-man swore that the Apocalypse was coming soon, he just knew it.

Hidan was still sitting next to Kakuzu, somewhat shielding him from their surrounding noise and earthquakes, even though it was a pointless effort. A wave of thoughts piled up within his mind, and yet none made any sense. He could translate one thing though: _I should join the Akatsuki_. He couldn't comprehend why he actually thought this, but somehow...no, it didn't make any sense, but he wanted to. It was probably because he was so confused with what was going on at the moment that his mind was thinking it's own thoughts without him thinking it. Or maybe it was a sixth-sense thing that he would never understand.

_Yeah, yeah, that's right. I'm just overly confused, yeah, so it'll all go away if I leave...maybe..._ Hidan nodded his head and pushed his chair back. As he tried to stand, the floor shook from underneath his foot, forcing him to grasp on to their table to keep his balance. When it settled, Hidan quickly pulled the stitched man out of his chair and hooked his arm around his neck, his other hand holding onto the other's hip for support, into a familiar position. _Oh great, more deja-vu_, the priest sighed. He was ready to drag themselves out when he felt a gust of wind from behind. Before he could react, his surrounding suddenly turned dark like a shadow. As he slowly twisted his torso around, the priest saw the monster-cook, eyes blood-shot and it's nose puffing out fumes. It's arms were raised high into the air, the butcher-knife reflecting off the little lighting that was left in the restaurant. Hidan gulped.

_This is SO going to hurt._

--------------------

Author: YAY! Chapter 6 is finished! Damn you Kakuzu. STOP BEING KNOCKED OUT! If you want food, wake up you fool!

Kakuzu: Your the one not waking me up bitch! WAKE ME FIRST! FEED ME NOW!

Author: Geez, your so selfish...

Hidan: Hey, uhh...am I going to die in the next chapter?

Author: Dude, you CAN'T die, remember?

Hidan: I am quite capable of it, thankyouverymuch

Author: Kakuzu, I can't believe someone like you ended up being partners with the stupid one

Kakuzu: Wow, disbelief, woo-hoo, shoot me

Kisame: Hey Author

Author: Whadda?

Kisame: Your village is calling, their idiot's missing

Author: ...I hate you

Kakuzu: Daaaaaamn right Kisame, damn right...too...hungry...

Itachi: YESSSSSS!!! He's dying! He's dying!

Deidara: LET'S BOMB SOMETHING, UN!

Itachi: Kisame, quick! Get my camera!I don't want to miss a moment of it!

Deidara: YAY, UN! I BOMBED SOMETHING, UN!

Kisame: What did you bomb now, Deidara-san?

Deidara: AT LIFE, UN! Oh yeah, and Itachi's camera, un

Kakuzu: Can't...go...on...dies

Itachi: GODDAMMIT! I missed it all! But he's dead, so all is well...cackles

Author: You do know that Kakuzu has four other hearts, right Itachi?

Itachi: ...no

Kakuzu: revives Ha, you suck!


	7. Chapter 7

(Disclaimer: A slap-happy bitch who had too much coffee should not be writing fanfics, but it shall break the law and do it anyway. It's not like its going to hurt anybody but itself. Naruto is not mine, but once Kishimoto's mind is under my control...bwahaha, let's see what happens then...)

Chapter 7...

"_Why do you think that this 'Hidan' character's worthy enough to be my partner, Leader?"_

"_Do not question my decisions Kakuzu. You're going to Kokage Village, find the priest, persuade him to join the Organization, and all will be well, do you understand?"_

"_But you know my temper more than anybody here. If he's a stubborn jack-ass, then I'm gonna guarantee his death."_

"_You can try, but you WILL fail, I guarantee it."_

-------------------

The priest winced as he waited for the blow to split his skull. He thought he felt Kakuzu stir, but that didn't matter now. The monster cook blared some curses as he swung his blade heavily downward toward the pair.

"Suiton: Suijyuudan!!!"

Hidan felt another gust of wind and peeked an eye open to see what was going on. He flinched as something wet hit his cheeks when he lifted his head. His ruby eyes widened as he saw the monster was being pummeled by giant water balls the size of a doghouse. The monster roared with agony as each hit created more and more cracks on the fragile wooden floor from the pressure. It tried to fight the water, but it's knife and fists were practically useless in front of the rushing waves of water.

CRACK.

All sound and movement was lost for a moment. Then, a series of snaps and popping noises filled the room as the monster began to sink into the floor.

"WHAT TH---" the monster chef's words were cut short when the floor gave in. A black hole appeared from underneath it, making the monster chef's octopus-red face turned ghost white. It howled as it was swallowed by the darkness. Witnesses claim they never heard him hit the ground. Ever.

-------------------

Kakuzu's eyes fluttered open to see the remainder of the homey, old-fashioned restaurant which was now transformed into a lovely pile of wood chips and bent kitchen appliances. The one place that seemed to be intact was a little wooden circle which included an Uchiha who seemed to be busily staring at a rather large hole, a Kisame looking at the Uchiha with an odd expression, Deidara (still in cook's uniform) prancing around with little clay soldiers, and the poor waiter-cook boy who was sitting on the floor holding his head with both hands, grieving over something. _Somebody's missing..._

"Hey man, if your awake, would you mind getting off?" Kakuzu's body literally jumped at the voice which let out a strained "Uhf!" sound as he landed. He noticed he was sitting on something soft and very squishy. He found his hands were tangled with silver hair. _Oh snap._

"Hidan!" The stitched man exclaimed as he hopped off the priest. Hidan gave out a relieved sigh now that he could breath again. Kakuzu dusted off the pieces of wood that were sticking out of his skirt, straightening it as he did so. Deidara, who was watching this, gave a smug look and snickered.

"Hey Kakuko-chan, un! You look very flattering in that outfit. un!" The blond mocked. He shivered as his blue eyes met Kakuzu's inverted one which promised bloody murder if bird-boy dared to say another word. Of course, no one could blame the ex-Falls Nin's pissed-off-ness. He was starving (the poor guy hadn't eaten in three to four days), went to a restaurant which only had shit, his lips were still slightly swollen from the evil "baby-tomato", and he was still wearing the lame excuse for a disguise.

_I need a vacation..._The stitched man scratched his concealed head and sighed. His eyes wandered to where Itachi and Kisame was standing, both still staring at the large hole as if something magical and amazing was going to happen any moment. Well, Itachi looked like it at least. Kakuzu jogged over and stood by Kisame, trying to see what they were seeing. But the only thing he saw was the blackness.

"Uh...Kisame?" He squinted his eyes to get a better view. Still nothing. "What are you guys staring at?" Kisame, eying the stitched man with a tired look, said, "Itachi-san's trying to locate the Head-Chef. Apparently, he hasn't hit the ground yet." Kakuzu gave the shark-man a very concerned look, then turned his view to Itachi.

"The kid has a fever, right?" He finally said. "He just needs some rest. It's not like this Head-Chef fell into another dimension, right?"

-------------------

(FMA World, Manga version: inside Gluttony's stomach)

Ed: "Lin! What was that?"

Lin: "I don't know Ed. It sounded like something falling from the sky."

Ed: "Maybe Gluttony ate something again...maybe it's our chance to escape!"

Lin: "It sounded like something really big fell...it might be Envy."

Ed: "We wouldn't know until we find out, let's go!"

(splash splash splash)

Ed: "OMFG! BUTCHER KNIFE!!!"

Lin: "OMFG! IT'S A CHEF!!!"

Sumi: "OMFG! YOUR SHORT AND YELLOW!!!"

All: "GYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"

-------------------

(Now back to the show)

Waiter-chef boy lifted his head, his eyes very teary and his cheeks pink and shiny. He sniffled and stood up, wiping his face with his sleeves roughly. He glanced around with puffy eyes and they widened when he saw Kakuzu. He hurriedly dashed towards a broken door and disappeared, reappearing moments later with a little bowl and a spoon in his hand. He trotted towards the stitched man, putting on the best smile he could.

"You ordered chicken pot-pie, right?" Kakuzu looked at the boy, then down at the little dish. It smelled DELICIOUS. Tarota continued, "I think I handed you the wrong dish, so I wrote down a note so Issei-senpai...oh! I mean Deidara-senpai would find it and make it instead. I'm not such a great cook so..." the waiter-cook caught himself talking too much and slightly blushed in embarrassment. Kakuzu was speechless as the boy handed him the still-warm chicken pot-pie.

_Food..., _He thought. _I...I finally get to eat...food...!!!_ The stitched man's eyes welled up with tears of joy, but he couldn't let his comrades see that. He quickly wiped his eyes and thanked the young man, sincerely. He seated himself down on a wooden platform and scooped a little spoonful of the vanilla-colored heaven. As he took his first bite, he could've sworn he was the happiest man on the face of the planet. The cream melted in his mouth and the chicken was so tender he could swallow a huge chunk and not choke. He slowly scooped and ate, savoring each and every bite of it. To be quite honest, he was never so thankful for food ever in his life, and for once, he thought nothing, not even money, could give a man so much bliss. He closed his eyes and let silent tears flow down his cheeks, not caring whether his comrades were watching in horror or not.

Hidan, for one, was watching the content man with a smile.

-------------------

Author: Chapter seven is UP! Let's PAAAAAAAARTY!!! Sorry for readers that really hate anime crossovers, I just had to do it once in this fic. I'll try to restrain myself from doing it too much (because it confuses other readers) I finally fed Kakuzu! You people should reward me with a medal!

Kakuzu: It took you long enough! And yes, you do deserve an reward...

Author: Yay! What is it?

Kakuzu: YOUR ETERNAL REWARD!!!! (holds up a shotgun)

Author: Kyaaaaaaa!!! No! No killing others!!! Especially me!!!

Deidara: Who's the self-centered one now, un?

Kisame: Hey, I saved two lives, and my actions aren't even thanked nor mentioned? This sucks

Itachi: ...I don't even have a line...

Deidara: It's because you act so emo Itachi, un

Itachi: Amaterasu (burns Deidara's hair)

Deidara: Ow! OWW!!! UN!!! My beautiful artistic hair, un!!!!

Kisame: By the way...that waiter-cook boy...how does he know your real name Deidara-san?

Deidara: I can't tell you that just yet, un

Tarota: Find out in the next chapter!

Hidan: Woah! Where'd you come from?

Tarota: You'll have to find out...in the next chapter!

Kakuzu: But what does that have to do with you popping out of nowhere?

Tarota: Find that out in the next chapter! Muahahahahahahaha!!!

Deidara: I wonder what happened to Sumi, un?

(Back in FMA World, still in Gluttony's stomach)

Ed: "...So, you fell through a hole on your floor and fell down into this world?"

Sumi: "THAT'S RIGHT"

Lin: "You have no clue what Alchemy is?"

Sumi: "NUH-UH"

Ed: "You don't know where you are?"

Sumi: "NO IDEA"

Lin: "So you don't know where the exit is?"

Sumi: "NOPE"

Ed and Lin: "YOUR USELESS!!!!!!!!!" (both ready to raise hell)

Sumi: "KYAAAAAAAAA!!!!" (runs away screaming like a little girl)


	8. Chapter 8

(Disclaimer: Asking somebody to read a fanfic with you is like asking a same gendered friend to go to the bathroom with you. If you're a girl asking a friend who is also a female to come with you, it doesn't sound very wrong, but if you are a boy asking another male friend to come with you to the bathroom, it would sound very..weird, questionable, out-of-place, etcetera, etcetra. Naruto is not mine, nor is it out-of-place. It's just awesome.)

Chapter 8...

Tarota hopped over to where Deidara was dancing in circles while releasing miniature clay birds from his hand-palms and pretending to flutter with them. Each time he broke the circle, the blond shouted "KA!!!" and little fireworks went off, creating yellow and orange sparks to decorate the air around him. The waiter-cook boy could've sworn he heard the "My Little Pony" song in the background.

"Uhm...Deidara-senpai?" The blond paused his little performance and swiveled his body around to look down at the younger cook. "C-can I release my Henge now...?" The young man sheepishly asked, his brown eyes stared up at his superior's sky-blue ones pleadingly. Deidara scrunched his nose disapprovingly, but then shrugged.

"Fine, un. Go ahead, un." The waiter-cooks face lit up as he eagerly lifted both his hands into a hand-sign.

"KAI (release)!!!" A white puff of smoke followed the shout, concealing the waiter-cook boy completely. The other four members watched with quiet intensity as they waited for the smoke to recede.

Kisame gasped.

Itachi's onyx eyes flashed red.

Kakuzu choked on his chicken pot-pie.

Hidan had the "WTF?" look.

Deidara frowned.

All five were looking at a swirly orange mask. It was Tobi.

The masked man (boy?) raised his right hand and a peace-sign. "Hey guys!" His voice was bright, yet muffled behind the orange mask. He was still wearing the cook's uniform, but the exposed skin was now covered with some type of black cloth, maybe spandex (ew).

"T-Tobi?" The shark-man stuttered. "I...I thought your were partners with Zetsu-san..."

"Oh, he still is, Kisame-senpai!" Tobi answered cheerfully. "I'm just doing...or _was_ doing a part-time job with Deidara-senpai since Zetsu-san had to go somewhere...he's probably looking for more corpses since he hasn't eaten for a pretty long time, kinda like you Kakuzu-san!" Somehow, the members could tell that the younger Akatsuki member was smiling widely behind his mask. They didn't know how, but they knew. Kakuzu was ready to protest, but he remembered that this young shinobi was the one who brought him the food, so he owed him one. He kept silent and continued to devour his now cold, half-finished pie.

"So, you were working part-time too then, Deidara?" Itachi finally raised his head from the black hole and asked the blond. He responded proudly, "Yup, un! And I'm the best cook in the whole village, un!"

"You mean you _were_ the best cook in the whole village, senpai," Tobi corrected. The ex-Hidden Stone shinobi gave a smirk and lifted his hand at the masked man. His palm-hand spat out two clay soldiers which directly hit Tobi square in the face, clutching his mask. "YAAAAH!!!" He gave out a surprised cry and clawed at the LCS and ripped them out and threw them away just in time before Deidara shouted the magic words.

"KA!!!" The still mid-air soldiers exploded, and little clay pieces flew all over, mostly on the Uchiha, now angered that his amazing shiny black hair was now ruined. He stood up quickly to throw a punch at the blond, but apparently the drowsiness and fatigue from the fever has caught up on him for the second time. The world spun thrice and the prodigy fell over. His blue partner grabbed the Uchiha's wrist and dragged him away from the black hole while Deidara was having another laughing fit.

"I think we had enough excitement for one day," Kisame announced with a tired smile. "We'll be going back to our inn. Tobi, would you like to help me carry Itachi-san back with me?"

"Ooh! I'd love to!" The masked man replied enthusiastically. He ran over to Kisame like a puppy and lifted Itachi's legs up. "Let's go!"

All three of them disappeared with a POOF of white smoke. Kakuzu shook his head and sighed. "Idiots," he muttered, "all geniuses, but pathetic idiots." He looked up to check whether Hidan was still sitting on the platform above. He was, but looked like he was sunbathing with his back to the sky. His face was expressionless, lost in thought. _I don't blame him, _he thought, _he met so many people, went through so much in such short time. I bet he's in shock or something..._ The stitched man took a last bit out of his dish and set it aside, thinking of what he should do next.

Hidan couldn't help himself any longer. He jumped off the wooden platform he was laying on and landed next to Kakuzu who glanced up at him with curious inverted eyes. The priest had a serious face on which slightly startled him. Hidan shifted his eyes away uneasily at first, hesitating, but then took a deep breath and let it out.

"I want to join the Akatsuki."

-------------------

Sasori was sitting on a branch of a rather large tree, waiting. He had climbed out of his usual Kugutsu puppet to get a better view of his surroundings. His sunset-red hair moved with the quiet breeze that passed between the trees. If he were still human, he would've felt and enjoyed the wind. But being a puppet, he could not feel.

The puppet-master lowered his body back into the larger puppet, closing the entrance which was located on the spine of the Kugutsu. It's tail swung lazily back and forth as Sasori lifted his head to the direction of the village where his blond partner worked, his beady black eyes flaming with anger.

_That damned bird-boy should have a pretty good reason why he did what he did. Oh, he will _PAY

_-------------------_

Meanwhile, while Kakuzu and the priest were busily talking about the membership rules about becoming a part of the Akatsuki Organization (Kakuzu: "...and I get all the money everybody has, no questions." Hidan: "What? Why?" Kakuzu: "NO QUESTIONS"), Deidara was rummaging through the blue wood chips and broken tables, searching for something. When he couldn't lift a certain large piece, he created miniature bird-bombs which swooped to the weak-point of the wood and exploded as it dove, making little splinters fly all over the place and creating an "artistic" mess.

Clank-clank-clank!

-pause-

BOOM!

Clank-clank-clank!

-pause-

BOOM!

The sound was so irritating the stitched man accidentally repeated the same phrase four times before he noticed Hidan looking at him with a "Dude-You're-Crazy" look. Kakuzu lifted his right arm and stuck it out, the tips of his fingers pointing at the busy blond. His hand created an angry fist as he aimed. Without warning, the lower part of his elbow shot out at Deidara, almost like a missile. But it's destruction level was close to a nuke. The artist dodged it right it time, but he was still blown away by the impact the fist created. A large cloud of dust, smoke, and wood chips puffed into a mushroom cloud, plus a Deidara who was flying at the top of it all. He quickly summoned his giant clay bird and hopped on it's back, observing for any survivors down below.

"Yo, Kakuzu, un! You seriously need to go to an anger management school or somethin', un!" He called out. In response, he got another rocket/missile fist which got a direct hit on the head of the giant clay bird. The head spun towards the woods and within milliseconds a loud, distant crash was heard. The blond faced that direction and lifted two of his fingers once more.

_-------------------_

Sasori was in midair when the meteor struck him. He heard a faint whistling sound from above, and then _WHAM!!!_ a brown, squishy thing slapped him across the face and made him fall to the forest floor. He moaned in pain (if he felt any) and rolled his head over to see what hit him. His black eyes widened with terror as he looked at the empty eye sockets of Deidara's beloved clay bird.

_Shyit._

_-------------------_

A giant explosion could be seen from between the trees at Deidara's angle. He had goosebumps on his arms as he listened to the booming sound, the cracking of the trees, the crashing and..._Un? _Deidara squinted his eyes and saw something black flying in the air. At first he thought it was a small animal that got involved in his "art", but then he saw something rather familiar. A silver tail. Spiky hair. a red cloud.

"OH MY GOD, UN!!!! DANNAAAAAAA, UN!!!!!!!" The blond and his now headless clay bird swooped through the sky to greet his partner-in-crime, Sasori, who was, at the moment, cursing every moment, every second of life itself with all his leftover heart and soul.

-------------------

Author: YES!!!! I finally finished this piece of...er...chapter 8! God, it took me long enough. Sorry people, my computer's been acting like me, stupid. But at least I got Sasori to fit in the picture, eh?

Sasori: Oh, so now I'M your damned target? I just got here and you just HAD to blow me up!

Author: Well, I can't let Kakuzu be the only one to have all the fun...

Kakuzu: Fun my ass, you gave me living HELL you...THING!!!!!

Itachi: Oh yeah, go Kakuzu. Burn. Yup

Kakuzu: Ah, shove it up you ass

Kisame: People are so violent these days...sheesh

Deidara: You said it, un! (blows up something)

Tobi: I barely even had a role...(cries)

Author: Aw, don't cry Tobi! I'll try to fit you in somewhere...somehow...

Zetsu: Not without our permission...(scowls)

Author: EEP!!! CANNIBAL!!!!!!!

Zetsu: ...that hurts our feelings...(tear)


	9. Chapter 9

(Disclaimer: I HAVE SINGING SOCKS!!!!!!! Haha, Naruto is not mine. Nor do I own the Christmas carols my socks sing, thank God. Some of you know what I'm talking about. The rest of you, go to Google and start typing. Many apologies for the last chapter, it was soooo rushed...nyargh)

Chapter 9...

The ex-Hidden Mist nin and the orange masked nin were setting the Uchiha prodigy down on his bed when Tobi mumbled something inaudible.

"What's that Tobi?" Kisame lifted his gilled face towards the swirly orange one. The masked man rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably, turning it slightly away from the blue nin.

"W-well, uhm...I did tell you guys before, you know, that I'm not such a great cook, right?" He said sheepishly. "That would also mean that I'm not the best at picking the right ingredients for the cooking..." Kisame looked at the other intently, trying to see where this conversation was getting at. "I accidentally put some tougarashi-tomatoes (imagine them as jalapeños, but hotter and rounder) in Kakuzu-san's dish of 'Nee-mo Seafood Special'."

The shark man was chuckling while he gave the younger man a thumbs up.

-----------------

As the cloud of dust and wood chips receded, the stitched man searched the sky with glaring eyes determined to locate the goddamn, bomb-happy blond. When he saw an empty sky, his frustration rose significantly. He will show no mercy for him the next time. None at all.

He gave up his search and lowered his head to see the priest staring at him wide-eyed with...something he couldn't quite tell. It wasn't terror. It wasn't amazement. It wasn't amusement.

"Uh...Hidan?" Kakuzu, concerned for the other man's sanity, slowly strode towards him with caution, as if thinking that if he made a sudden move, the priest would hop away from him like a frightened rabbit. But Hidan did not run _away _from him. He ran _to_ him and gave him a very big bear-hug.

"Wah---Hidan?!" The stitched man, now very confused and unable to move his torso, tried to wiggle free from the priest's death-squeeze. He managed to pull one arm free, so he used it to push Hidan's head away from his chest. His large hands covered the other's eyes, but did not conceal his wild grin that reminded him of a candy-high child. Maybe he was one, because then he started blabbing out things that Kakuzu couldn't understand. He thought he heard something about "giant robots", "Transformers", and "Gundams" having the same kind of arm he had, but he wasn't sure. The stitched man removed his palm from the chattering priest's face and wasn't surprised to see giant stars dancing inside those ruby eyes. _Oh god, fanboys, _Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

After a few minutes more of fanboying, Hidan finally let Kakuzu go when he noticed the stitched man was turning a bit purplish. He fell to his knees and allowed fresh air to fill his oxygen-deprived lungs, feeling a bit woozy and seeing little white dots flying in front of him. The priest bowed his head down shamefully and helped him up.

"Sorry man," he started, "I kinda got carried away."

"'Kind of'," Kakuzu echoed, patting wrinkles from his green Dare-Bear T-shirt. Part of the bear's face has been worn off, so it looked rather creepy. It even somewhat resembled a certain character that might have appeared in 'Invader Zim' or 'the Nightmare Before Christmas'. Kakuzu was slightly weary that Hidan might be mad at him for ruining his Auntie's favorite shirt, but the priest laughed it off, saying that his Auntie had bad taste anyway.

-----------------

Sasori was pissed. Oh he was just _pissed_. He just wanted to ring bird-boy's neck and snap it like a twig. He wanted to take all 100 of his Kugutsu puppets and allow them to pierce the blond mercilessly from every possible direction in every possible way. He didn't even think about using bird-boy's body to make a new Kugutsu. It'll be a waste of time.

"Danna, are you still mad at me, un?" Deidara poked his head from above and looked at the ex-Hidden Sand shinobi with worried eyes. He wished not to tick him off even more. That would be bad. The puppet-master glared up at him and growled.

"Not many people would be happy if they were hanging between a clay-bird's claws like a fish it caught for dinner, you dumbass." Sasori looked down to see his metal tail swinging helplessly in the air, also watching the endless forest below them pass by. "You better give back my scroll, Deidara! I'm not finished with it yet!" Deidara frowned deeper and shifted his eyes away from the older nin.

"Uh...," he retreated his head back up and sat upright. "Danna, un? What if I said I lost it, un?" He asked, poking at the headless part of his clay bird and allowing his hand-mouths to busily chow down on the imperfect pieces. He suddenly felt his bird shake violently and turned to see Sasori's tail pierced through the stomach and spine of it. The tip of it was aimed at Deidara, it's poison leaking to soak the metal and to kill it's prey precisely. The blond artist paled and decided it was time to abandon his ride.

-----------------

"Hey, what's this?" Hidan picked up a pink scroll that was on the ground Deidara was standing a few minutes before he took off. It looked quite feminine and was slightly heavier than it looked. "I don't remember seeing any Kunoichi's (woman ninja) in the restaurant, do you?" The priest showed Kakuzu the scroll and watched the inverted eyes widen with surprise.

The stitched man muttered, "So this is what he was looking for..." He took it from the other's hand and examined it carefully. "This is Sasori's," he confirmed, and handed it back to Hidan.

"What's in it, Kakuzu?"

"Think of it like a Kugutsu-version of Icha-Icha-Paradise."

"...That's just disgusting. Who reads those?"

-----------------

Somewhere in Konoha Village...

Kakashi lifted his head from his Icha-Para book and sneezed violently. He wiped his nose with a small handkerchief and went on reading, thinking that he might be getting a cold.

-----------------

As Hidan and Kakuzu were leaving the ruined "Great White" restaurant, they were greeted by an angry mob of locals with knives, pitchforks, swords, brooms, and plastic shovels. One man with dreadlocks stepped up and pointed an accusing finger at them. 

"Dat's dem! Dat's de damned muddah-fucka's who destroyed de resdarant!" He yelled. "Where's da ownah, Sumi, you bee-chez (bitches)?!" Both the priest and the stitched man looked at each other and threw their thumb behind them.

"He fell," they simply said in unison. The villagers ran 'inside' the ruins and circled around the giant black hole. Every one of them where calling his name, hoping to get some kind of response from their favorite Sumi. One of them leaned in too far and lost his balance, grabbing a nearby local's shirt and making him lose his balance. He also grabbed another's shirt and he fell while grasping another's. The domino effect continued until all the villagers in the circle have fallen into the darkness, screaming and cursing one another. The mob had been annihilated by it's own klutziness. Kakuzu shook his head and massaged his forehead. Hidan kissed his necklace while his lips curled into a smile.

"I dunno what God they believed in, but Amen," said the priest.

"Morons," said the cross-dresser.

Both walked towards the gate of the village as if nothing happened.

-----------------

Author: Holy crap, chapter nine?! I wouldn't of imagined anything I make to be this long...I deserve pie

Kakuzu: Hey, sweet. I didn't suffer so much this time!

Author: Wow, no torture for Kakuzu? I'm going to change that later...

Kakuzu: Oh no you don't...

Kisame: Kakuzu-san, is your mouth still a bit sore?

Kakuzu: Shut it fish-boy. Tobi, I'm gonna stuff burning coal down your throat someday...

Tobi: B-but that'll be quite painful Kakuzu-san...

Kakuzu: My point exactly, swirly!

Itachi: Hidan, I never expected you to be a giant robot fanboy...

Hidan: Dude, I don't even know what a robot is. Remember, this Author's craaaaazy

Author: Who are you calling 'crazy', God-boy?

Hidan: I dare you to call me that again, you -BLEEP-ing -BLEEP-

Kisame: Hidan-san!

Sasori: ...


	10. Chapter 10

(Disclaimer: My apologies to my beloved readers. I have been in Japan for the last 2 weeks to renew my Visa. NO children, I am not an illegal citizen. My parents were just too lazy to drive to Canada. Damn lethargy. Naruto is not mine. Unless God wills it. I certainly hope he does. XD)

Chapter 10...

"...So, what next?"

Hidan tossed the pink scroll like a baton, flipping it every now and then and twirling it skillfully with his fingers. Kakuzu watched this little display for a bit, then got an idea.

"Why don't we look for Sasori?" He suggested. The priest stopped playing with the scroll and frowned.

"Is that the pervy owner of this thing?"

"Exactly."

"Is he sick-lookin'?"

"Outside, yes, but in the inside, he looks as though he's still in his late teens-ish, or early twenties."

Hidan tried to make sense of this, but then remembered something. Anything is possible when you're a ninja. Anything.

"Sure, right. Let's go then," he said.

The stitched man nodded and led the way towards the exit of the village.

------------------

Itachi sat up from his bed and glanced around. Everything was blurry. Well, of course it was. It's all of his damned Sharingan's fault. He can't even see the wall three feet away from the foot of his bed. The prodigy shook his head, trying to ease the headache. He felt his forehead and was relieved to feel no immense heat radiating from it. _No fever. That's good. _He set his hand down on his lap, but instead of feeling his legs, he felt something fluffier. MUCH fluffier. The Uchiha looked down to find Tobi sleeping soundly. On his lap. Ew.

His first reaction? Most would guess instant kill, or maybe intense torture illusion ninjyutsu-thing. But no. He did what most little girls would do. Slap Tobi awake.

"Ow! Owiee! I-Itachi-senpai?!" The younger nin fell from his chair and rubbed the back of his head. He then cowered a bit with fear as he faced a rather pissed Itachi.

"Tobi...," he growled, "why the hell were you sleeping...on MY lap?" How effing DARE you, the air around the prodigy was screaming. Itachi's eyes were glaring red, ready to torture the poor nin if he answered incorrectly. Like anyone would know the right answer, though. The masked nin scrambled to his feet and shivered, his mind swimming for a good excuse.

"Uh, um, I, I was..." Right before he could answer, he was over shadowed by a giant figure looming behind him. He slowly turned around and was grateful to see the shark-nin back from his little trip.

"Itachi-san," Kisame started, "Tobi here was taking over my 'shift' of watching you while I was gone." He patted the shorter man's head fondly, grinning down at him like a father to his son. To this, Tobi bobbed his head in agreement, his masked face somehow magically showing the other two members that he was, again, grinning widely. He threw his chest out and put his hands to his hips like a child proud of his great accomplishment of watching the Uchiha sleep soundly, even though he was also.

"And I did it all by myself!" Tobi patted his chest. "Aren't you proud?"

"I'm flattered," Itachi replied flatly. He peeled the covers off his legs and set his feet down on the wood floor. It wasn't cold like he expected it to be, probably because Tobi was standing there moments before. As he rose from his bed, Kisame handed him his uniform cloak and sandals. He took both without a word and watched Kisame and Tobi gather some of their items, getting ready to leave. He couldn't quite tell what both of them were gathering because of his poor vision, but his sixth-Uchiha-sense told him that the little bag the younger nin was holding was the dango Kisame bought earlier that day. It looked a bit lighter that before, but that wasn't important at the moment. He quickly dressed himself into the cloak and slipped on his sandals.

"Itachi-san? Are you ready?" Kisame picked up his bamboo hat and Itachi's.

The prodigy nodded and then said, "My fever's almost gone."

"That's good to hear," the shark-man tossed him his hat. "We were going to leave this village soon anyway."

Itachi caught his hat and set it on his head. The little bell on the side made little tinkling sounds. "I guess someone found us, finally. Geez took them long enough...," he grumbled.

"This village doesn't get much outside information," Tobi peeped, "so I'm guessing some bounty hunters found us, probably after..."

"The restaurant incident," Itachi sighed. "Great."_Another bastard to ruin my day. What next?_

"Uh, Itachi-san?" Kisame tapped his shoulder. Itachi followed the older nin's blue finger as it pointed out toward the window. There, he saw two familiar figures slamming their fists at the glass, their faces panic-stricken. The younger masked nin ran to the window and opened it widely to let the two in. Both jumped inside and Kakuzu slammed the window shut and then locked it. Hidan pulled the shades down and tried to catch his breath in doing so. The shark nin and the Uchiha prodigy were ready to say something, but then the cross-dressed shinobi put his hands up to silence them.

"Hunter-nins," Kakuzu gasped, "and a lot of them."

Before anyone could say anything to this, a shower of kunais and shurikens shattered through the window, creating a black metal rain strike through the entire room. Itachi, Kisame, Kakuzu and Tobi dove for cover, but the priest didn't make it in time.

"Hidan!!!" Kakuzu cried and tried to get up, but Kisame pulled him down and shook his head, his face stern. He was also restraining himself from helping the doomed nin from his metal grave, bot both knew it was no use trying. The stitched man bit his lip, tasting the familiar flavor of blood. _Goddammit...!!!_ He put his head down and tightly shut his eyes, unwilling to see whatever was happening to his was-to-be-partner.

The metal rain eventually stopped, and dust clouds settled. The once-clean and polished room was now covered with sharp knives and shurikens stabbing the floor, tables, beds, and walls. Kakuzu creped out from under one of the beds and saw a lump of crimson covered with the sharp blades. It moved slightly, making a painful groaning sound. The stitched man sweat-dropped, rubbing his inverted eyes and then stared at the lump a little bit more. The thing sat up and revealed the unharmed yet bloody face of the priest who seemed to be cursing and yelling something out in an unknown language.

"Goddamn fuckers! Do you know how much that fuckin' hurt? Aw fuckin' shit! My fuckin' shirt's fuckin' ruined you fuckin' son of a bitch! Let's see how you like a fuckin' pike stuck in your fuckin' ass! Shittin' fuckin' bastards..." Okay, so he was speaking plain English. But it sounded foreign to Kakuzu, for his stance of shock surpassed any that he ever had in the past.

Hidan pulled each blade out from his head, back, legs, and toes. The whole back part of his body was dripping blood, plus some bones were peeking through his arms to show that the shower took out chunks of his flesh. The priest looked around to find any signs of life. When he noticed Kakuzu with his jaws hanging very low, Hidan gave him a friendly wave and smiled.

"Hey Kakuzu! Glad to see ya alive and well!" All the stitched man could do was to wave back slowly. His vocal chords were failing him, so he could only make strange squeaking sounds that almost resembled the ones that the strange cooking Tobi made for him earlier.

"Y-you're...immortal?" Kakuzu finally squeaked out. Hidan made a thoughtful face for a moment and then shrugged.

"Something like that, I guess."

If the ex-Hidden Falls nin wasn't already on his knees, he would've fallen over on the now-uncomfortably-spiky bed and thrown up bubbles.

_So I guess Leader knew exactly what he was talking about after all._

------------------

Author: Hollah! Chappy 10 is DONE! And took me damn well two weeks to finish...

Kakuzu: You do know that some readers thought you were actually done with the whole story...

Hidan: Don't make them worry so much!

Author: Aw, shucks guys, I'm sorry...

Itachi: Psh, you should stop writing. It's a shitty story anyway

Kakuzu: True, true

Author: (GASP) You people are so mean! (cries)

Kisame: Hm, I have to deal with Itachi-san's evil comments every day, so you should consider yourself lucky

Author: I guess...

Tobi: And I get to hang out with Zetsu-san every day! Lucky me!

Author: ...I'd hang out with a bitchy Uchiha prodigy over a cannibal any day...

Zetsu: What's that? (munches on human leg)

Author: NOTHING! (pulls out pepper spray)


	11. Chapter 11

(Disclaimer: To fangirl, or not to fangirl, that is a very scary question. Naruto is not mine...or is it?)

Chapter 11...

In an alleyway...

"Did he die?"

"Of course not! I told you already, he's the one..."

"We still have to go back and confirm though."

"No need. I've already checked. He was yelling out like a bitch."

"So he's not dead?"

"You're seriously hopeless. No, he ain't dead 'cause he _can't_ die."

"Right. Y'all ready?"

"Yup."

"Ready when you are."

"Then let's go."

A nearby cat meowed lazily as it watched three shadows disappear with the wind. Towards the inn.

-----------------

"Alright, almost out...," Kakuzu strained.

"Ow, ow, shit, ow, ow, ow...Shit! OW! Hurry up dammit!" The priest cried. He was having the stitched man pull out a long-bladed kunai from the side of his hip. It seemed to have pierced right through the bone, so Kakuzu was having the difficulty of trying not to damage the bone even more as he was pulling it out. Kisame and Tobi were tending his arms with all the extra bandages and towels they could find that looked usable. Most of their belongings had been completely torn apart from the attack, but for some strange, magical reason, only Itachi's bag of dangos were left unscathed (Itachi: "Fear the power of rice").

"Got it!" Kakuzu finally pulled the blade out and threw it behind him. It made a loud clanging noise as it bounced off the floor and the other kunais/shurikens. The priest signed heavily and looked at the damage. Blood was leaking out like an open faucet, but Hidan didn't mind. He was used to these kinds of wounds.

"We're going to need more bandages," Kisame announced. He and Tobi had used it all up for the priest's arm alone. The stitched man sighed and lifted his arm up and out into a familiar position. Hidan watched as the black stitches undid themselves and slithered down to his hips.

"This is gonna hurt a bit, so bear with me," the older man said. Hidan nodded and bit his lower lip. The black thread pierced his skin and started weaving itself into a neat stitch, closing the wound completely. It did hurt a bit, but it was nothing compared to the metal shower he took earlier. He said thanks to the three Akatsuki members and started to get up, but then his knees gave in and he fell over. Tobi and Kakuzu grabbed each side of his upper arm and helped him up, telling him not to try so hard.

That was when Itachi and Kisame swirled around to face the broken window once more. The shark-man had his Samehada in a ready stance while the Uchiha activated his Sharingan. Kakuzu shifted his eyes toward the same window, sensing familiar yet unwelcoming chakra. His face turned into a snarl and he let go of Hidan's arm.

"Tobi, take yourself and Hidan somewhere away from here," he said.

"K-Kakuzu-san? What's going on?" Tobi stuttered. The priest looked at the stitched man with a weary expression. Kakuzu, who turned his whole body around to face the window, licked his lips like a hungry wolf.

"This is _my_ prey."

With that, he suddenly sprinted towards the window and leaped out. Kisame and Itachi followed suit, leaving a very confused priest and masked ninja behind.

-------------------

The three Akatsuki members hurdled over fences and rooftops of random buildings and houses, tracing the enemy's chakra flow. Kakuzu lead the other two, for he could sense the flow better than the two combined, and for a good reason. The ones who attacked them were the brothers of the last partner Kakuzu had. The last person he killed.

_...What was his name again?_ The cross-dresser had little question marks floating around his head as he strained to remember. _I think it started with a 'K'...ka...ka...Karma? Kaos? Kairi? Wait, that's a female name...uhm..._

(Note to Kakuzu: You're over 100 years old, Gramps. You'll pull your brain muscle)

-------------------

A few kilometers ahead...

"Are they following us?"

"They better be."

"What if they find out our plan?"

"I wouldn't be surprised. They ARE S-ranked ex-shinobis, after all."

"Do you think we can take them?"

"It'll be a cinch. One of them is already wounded enough for a baby to kill."

"What about the other two? Can we take them?"

"We have no reason to. They've done no harm on us."

"But what if they do?"

"Then they shall feel our 'Wrath' also."

-------------------

The Uchiha prodigy suddenly dashed ahead and stopped. The other two nins stopped also, then quickly arranged themselves into a small triangle, looking out for any signs of threat.

"What is it Itachi-san?" Kisame scanned their surroundings, but saw nothing in particular that looked out-of-place. But the prodigy's expression said otherwise. Though it was still blank, it seemed much colder and more alert. Kakuzu made quick hand signs, then shifted his legs apart so he could sense the ground vibration clearer.

_Not underneath...Not behind...Not left...Not right..._

"ABOVE!!!" He shouted. The three Akatsuki members scattered away from their positions just in time. A dozen kunais with exploding tags attached to them showered from the sky, digging themselves deep within the concrete before completely annihilating the 5th and 4th floor of the apartment.

-------------------

The cross-dresser landed on a street lamp near the restaurant Deidara decided to blow up earlier. He searched the sky and ground, eager to find either his allies or his foes. He hoped to find the foes first, for he REALLY wanted to figure out what their last names were. It has been bothering him since he left the inn.

"Dammit, what was it?" Kakuzu scratched his clothed head ruffly with frustration. "I'm absolutely _positive _it started with a 'K'..." As he pondered and pondered, he felt a tip of a blade touch his throat, daring to slit it without warning. The stitched man's eyes widened as he clapped his hands together happily.

"The Kawaya (Toilet) Brothers!"

-------------------

Author: Chappy 11 DONE! And it was pretty damn rushed too! YAAAAAAY RUSHING!

Kakuzu: I can't believe you made me say that...

Hidan: It's alright Kakuzu...it's not as bad as you wearing a skirt and a teddy bear T-shirt

Kakuzu: You're not helping

Sasori: Hey! What about us?!

Deidara: Yeah, un! Did you forget about us already, un?!

Author: Chill, chill guys! I'm working on it!

Zetsu (Good): ...We have no line...

Zetsu (Bad): We haven't even appeared in the story yet...

Kisame: That's unfortunate...here, have a drink (pours Pepsi)

Zetsu (Good): I like Sprite better...

Zetsu (Bad): I like meat...

Leader: Am I ever going to appear?

Kakuzu: You did a little bit during the flashbacks

Leader: That dosen't count. I WANT MY TURN NOW! (whines)

Author: Guys! Guys! Be patient and work with me here!

Kakuzu: I think this thing fails at life

Itachi: For once Kakuzu, I agree with you

Author: Hey, I'm the one with the pen here...

Editor: And I'm the one with the red pen!

Author: Damn, I can't beat that

All Akatsuki members: (points at Author) USELESS!!! (bows down to Editor) All hail the magic red pen!

Editor: Thank you, thank you very much


	12. Chapter 12

(Disclaimer: Sometimes, I start imagining the Akatsuki members in 17th century France-style clothing with all of it's flary, sexy, Frenchy-goodness. Is this an illness? Wait, don't answer that question. Naruto is not mine, nor is it French. Though I would think that would be quite amusing to see. Maybe not.)

Chapter 12...

Kakuzu was mentally giving himself a pat in the back for remembering his last parter's last name. The figure behind him froze in place, shocked at the name the stitched man yelled out in his ear.

"Now I remember...You guys are the Kawaya (toilet) brothers of Canada!" He repeated happily.

The other fumed with anger and shouted, "Who the fuck are you callin' 'toilet', you freak! Anyway, it's 'Ikeda'! What the hell is a Canada?!" He tried to stab the kunai through Kakuzu's throat, but instead of penetrating the skin, the blade made a loud clashing sound. The painful metal vibration shook the other man violently. He made a face that resembled one that has eaten a whole raw lemon. The stitched man slapped his attacker across his head, both in annoyance of him stabbing his stone-hard neck and in annoyance of getting his name wrong.

"Ooooooh...! Y-you son of a---!!!" The man cursed. He jumped off the pole and landed on the empty street right below. Kakuzu casually scratched his neck and followed, landing lightly and allowing the light material on his skirt to flow freely like water. When both men finally met face-to-face with each other, only on of them was shocked to see the other.

"Y-you're a...m-man?" The attacker stammered. He seemed like he was in his late twenties. His face had the feminine kind of...face (like Haku, but a bit older). His long, rust-colored hair was pulled back into a ponytail, along with a few hair clips that held some extra strands back. The man's dark green turtleneck sweater and bleached jeans made him look like a normal citizen, but the one thing that gave him away was immense number of kunais and shurikens wrapped around his waist like ribbons.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes and huffed, "Well, you don't look too masculine to me, either." He put his hand to his neck and cracked it loudly, loosening the hardened parts. Other other man ground his teeth together and snatched three blades in each hand, aiming at his target. The stitched man also positioned himself into a fighting stance, prepared for anything.

Until something glomped him from behind.

"Unf!" Kakuzu fell forward and smacked his face on the concrete street. Somebody was sitting on his back, giggling madly.

"Like, oh my gawd! He's sooooooo hawt!" The figure on top exclaimed. Though it sounded feminine, it also sounded...gay.

_Holy shit._

Kakuzu managed to spin his head around to see another man around his mid-teens wearing every shade of pink (plus magenta manicures) sitting on his poor aching back. His blond hair was tied into pigtails and little braids hung on each side of his face. The makeup around his eyes made the stitched man think of a raccoon or a really ugly panda. He held a reddish purse with little poodles and paw prints on it, along with a dozen straps tied into a bunch on the handle. He wore a pink camisole that matched his darker pink jacket and pink shorts (Who wears short-shorts? We wear short shorts!) that matched his hot pink fuzzy boots. Kakuzu paled at the horrible sight. His eyes were temporarily blinded from the pinkness and the...gayness.

"Do you mind?" He pushed the newcomer off and quickly stood up, dusting off any 'pink' that might of infected his skin or clothes.

The pink man pouted, "Nyaww, you're no fun honey." Then he turned to the redhead and yelled, "Like, HELLO? Earth to Shuuki? I've like, told you like, five thousand times that like, you're not allowed to like, fight ANYBODY that like, wears a skirt for like, heaven's sake!" He also stood up and crossed his arms together in a Mother-lecturing-her-children fashion.

Shuuki breathed in hard and slapped his forehead. "Masato, HE'S the one that killed our brother! Who really gives a shit about his clothing?!"

"Well, like, I most certainly like, do!" Masato shouted back. "Fashion is like, everything, especially before you die because like, that's like the last thing that like, that person is going to like, wear, you know?" He turned around to face Kakuzu once more and smiled sweetly. "You know, you look really cute, even with those stitches on your face. Makes it look...sexy, rarw!" The pink man made raised his lightly curled fists into cat-like pose and pretended to intimidate the ex-Hidden Falls nin. But the stitched man was intimidated very much for a different reason. He scooted himself slowly away from Masato, but he got hold of his Dear-Bear T-shirt.

"Uh, excuse me?" Kakuzu asked while he tried to pull away from the other, but apparently this man had a very strong grip even though he seemed a bit on the fragile side.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," he said, "those clothes so like, totally do not like, suit you. You and I are like, so totally going shopping!" He squealed. Kakuzu paled and furrowed his brows, worried that this man was going to corrupt his mind, pride, and reputation into something terribly...terribly gay. And pink. Oh my.

"Uh, Masato? Why are you going _shopping_ with him?" Shuuki said, frustrated with his little brother's act of kindness towards the enemy.

Masato replied annoyingly, "Because I said so, because I like, can, and because the color of this T-shirt and this skirt totally doesn't like, suit him at like, all!" Not that Kakuzu took any of this to offense, but he personally thought that he looked good in green. Minus the bear, though. Wait, that's not the problem right now. The stitched man opened his mouth, ready to protest., but before he could get a word out, the pink man lifted Kakuzu up and set him on his shoulders like a sack of potatoes (yummy potatoes) and dashed out of sight.

Shuuki was left alone with the dust and wind. A lone cat passed by and decided to use his leg as a scratching post. A painful scream was heard throughout the village, probably even all the way to Konoha.

----------------

The two Akatsuki artists were rummaging through the ruins of the Great White restaurant when they heard a male scream.

"Hey Danna, un," the blond started, "I think I just saw Kakuzu being carried away by something really pink, un." Deidara used his little camera-eye to get a close-up look at what was going on. Sasori walked towards him and tried to see what the other saw. But he could only see a little figure lying on the ground with a cat sitting on it's stomach, meowing contently.

"...I don't see him. Where'd you see he him go?"

"Well, he's probably being carried away by a random fangirl...or boy...un, so I don't think we should get too involved with him, un. Remember what happened last time, un." Deidara and Sasori shivered, remembering the last time Itachi got attacked by a mob of fangirls (and boys) and they tried to save him. The blond lost some of his precious exploding clay and his hair-tie while Sasori lost his mental virginity. They only survived because Kisame took off his Akatsuki coat and threw it off a random cliff (it was thought to be a mass suicide case by the locals). After that, they had to sit through a painful lecture with Leader and Kakuzu (Kakuzu: "Money ain't free dammit! Those coats cost money! SAVOR IT!" Leader: "Itachi, I'm partnering you up with Kisame for now on. He will work with and for you as a part-time bodyguard." Kisame: "Aw crap").

"But this might be a bit different," Sasori offered, "it was Kakuzu that got kidnapped, right? Then it shouldn't be too bad. No offense to him, but he doesn't have as many fans compared to Itachi."

Deidara was thoughtful for a moment. "Hmm...that's true, un. So then...we go save him, un?"

"Yeah, and ask him about my missing scroll while we're at it, too."

The two artists left the Great White and ran towards the center of the village. Towards more chaos.

----------------

Author: Heyy! Chapter 12 is done already? Huzzah!

Kakuzu: ...Do you have any idea how much I hate you?

Author: I'll let you know when I start caring

Hidan: I thought I was supposed to be the main character here! I'm not even mentioned in this chapter!

Kisame: Yeah, I agree. The title does say, the "Utterly random _Hidan_ and _Kakuzu_ story"

Itachi: That has to be the most pathetic title I've ever heard of

Sasori: Finally! I get a part in the story!

Deidara: Yaaaay for Danna, un!

Tobi: W-when am I going to get a part...?

Author: (sigh) Sometime soon hun, sometime soon...not

Zetsu (both): Stop harassing Tobi...

Author: EEP! Uh, um, m-my bad!

Zetsu (good): Tobi is a good boy...

LAWL


	13. Chapter 13

(Disclaimer: I am now sitting in an upright position. Now I shall attempt to sit on this swivel chair like a frog...I have just fallen off the chair and hit my forehead on the corner of my desk. I am bleeding profusely. Ouch. Naruto is not mine. Reality hurts. Ouch.)

Chapter 13...

"So, like, tell me a little about like, yourself."

Kakuzu gave Pinky (Masato) a "hell-fucking-NO" glare and continued looking through the racks and racks of clothing, particularly pants. He pulled a random clothing out and found it to be a very long, very dark skirt with skulls, pockets, chains, and a tiny logo with Angry Bear bearing (haha) his teeth.

"...I thought this was supposed to be the men's section?" The stitched man turned to Masato and showed him the skirt. Pinky only giggled and took it away from him.

"Didn't you like, totally know?" He said. "Man-skirts are like, so totally IN these days! Or at least I think they're pretty like, damn sexy..." Masato gave him a wink which gave Kakuzu goosebumps.

"You're just pretty damn creepy," he told the younger man, but he wasn't listening. Pinky put the skirt back in the rack and pulled the older man towards the back of the store. The younger man's grip was seriously giving Kakuzu bruises. He already left red hand prints all over his forearm. He wondered what kind of damage guys with girlfriends have on their arm when they go shopping. _Pretty bloody messy_, he guessed.

The back was pretty much the same as the rest of the store: clothes, clothes, clothes, and did I mention more clothes? Masato halted in front of a section and he let go of Kakuzu's painfully swollen arms.

"Like, oh my gawd!" He exclaimed excitedly. "This like, soooooo totally like, screams your name out like, soooo loud!" He unhooked a clothing from the wall and handed it to the stitched man. A black tank-top. Nothing special. Then, Masato pushed him away from the wall and towards a row of doors. He opened one and pulled Kakuzu in, letting himself out in the process. The poor, confused ex-Hidden Falls nin fell over and hit his head on one of the large mirrors hanging from the wall. Pinky giggled madly and slammed the door shut.

"H-hey!" Kakuzu called out, slightly panicking. "What the hell?"

"You're supposed to like, undress and dress yourself like, you know?" Came the reply. "It's called like, a 'dressing room' for like, a reason! Unless you like, want me to watch you like, undress..."

"Holy fuck NO," the stitched man paled. A sarcastic whine was heard from the other side of the door, then he heard him say something about getting him something while he was in there. Kakuzu at first hesitated, but then he decided he might as well wear the tank-top. He peeled the green T-shirt off and set it on a little stool sitting on the corner. He lifted the black tank-top and tried to put it over his head. That was when he noticed something was different about it. There was no back side.

_A halter-top? That bastard handed me a fucking HALTER-TOP??? _Kakuzu groaned in frustration, but then thought it was better than the Dear-Bear T-shirt. MUCH better. He put the shirt on and hooked the neck-part of it over his neck. It felt a bit drafty on the back (no duh), but it couldn't be helped. He was observing the masks on his back when something floated down on his head. Another clothing. Oh joy.

Masato's muffled voice said, "Hey hun! I found pants that like, might like, totally suit you!" Kakuzu looked at the pants. Black. Baggy. Normal. _Thank god, _he mentally said. Then Pinky added, "I don't know what size pants like, you wear, so like, I kinda like, guessed." The older man wasn't paying much attention to him while be busily undressed out of the ruined skirt and dressed into the pants. It fit just fine, though it was somewhat a bit loose at the waistline. But he could care less now that he was out of the cursed Hidan's Auntie's clothing.

He opened the door and was greeted by Pinky, except he wasn't wearing much pink anymore. His camisole and jackets were replaced with a light blue, tight-fitting T-shirt with a HeyBoy Bunny logo on it's center. His short-shorts were now long, tight pants that showed every body line that most people would not like to see. He squealed happily as he saw Kakuzu standing before him.

"Like, oh my gawd! I knew you'd like, totally look badass sexy in that!" He giggled some more and then struck a pose, putting one hand on the back of his head and the other on his hip, showing off his new trend. "Don't I just look like, oh so fabulous?" He said mostly to himself, "Not many people like, look so good in like, spandex." Kakuzu scrunched his nose with disgust at the word 'spandex'. _Not many people actually _wear_ spandex_, he mentally replied. He then walked towards the counter of the store until something wooshed over his head. He looked up to find himself standing under a ladder. The kind with the wheels on the end. The ones that you see at a really big library. Masato saw this and gasped with horror.

"Kaku-chan! Like, oh my gawd, that is like, soooooo totally bad luck to like, walk under like, a ladder!" He cried. "I like, so feel bad for like, you!"

"Actually, the ladder 'walked' over to me," Kakuzu corrected, "so no bad luck would happen." The stitched man didn't believe in bad luck. He didn't like occult things. In fact, if he saw a fortune teller sitting in any street corner or alleyway, he would tear their hearts out and feed it to the dogs. Maybe even to Zetsu if he was nearby. Another words, he HATED them.

He ignored Pinky's warnings and continued walking towards the counter. Suddenly, a small animal emerged from a pile of gloves in a basket next to him. A cat. But not just any cat, but a black one. It meowed loudly and hopped out, trotting proudly in front of Kakuzu and disappearing into the jungle of clothes. Masato gasped again, but louder this time.

"Kaku-chan! My gawd, what's up with like, you and bad luck like, today?" His raccoon-like eyes were slightly watery with fear. "I'm like, soooooo worried."

"There's nothing to be worried about," the stitched man said, annoyed. That was when something crashed through the roof of the store, landing right in front of Kakuzu's foot. It was a wooden crate. Before anybody could react, one side of it burst open and spilled out something white and sandy. It was salt. Masato started crying, his tears ruining his makeup/face quite badly.

"Kaku-chan! This like, totally is like, a sign of some sort! I'm like, so scared!" He stuffed his head into his hands, weeping quietly. Kakuzu rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"There is no such thing as bad luck," he explained. "Things just happen, and they just seem...well, unlucky, but they really aren't. Get of hold of yourself, man."

--------------------

The two Akatsuki artists were standing before an exceptionally colorful store named "Cold Topic".

"Danna, un?" Deidara started. "Are you sure that you want to go in there, un?" He was afraid that he and Sasori might go insane staring at the colors. Maybe even color drunk.

"Well, this is where Kakuzu was taken, right?" The older partner replied. "Then we have no choice." He checked his surroundings for any signs of random pedestrians, then split his spine open to reveal his true, redhead form. Sasori stepped out and pulled a scroll out of his sleeve. He opened it to reveal a blank sheet of white paper. He then made quick hand signs and murmured something under his breath, then touched the empty Kugutsu puppet with his palms. A smoke of white clouds _poofed_ the puppet out of sight. The scroll in his hand suddenly had inky writing on it, confirming that the doll has been sealed safely. Sasori put it back into his sleeve and turned to the blond.

"Let's go." Just then, a black cat trotted out of the store and crossed a path between Deidara and Sasori.

"Mr. Num-Num!" A voice cried. Both turned to see a young boy around the age of six or seven run towards the cat which meowed happily to him. "You were playing hidy-and-go-seeky again, weren't you, you little naughty kitty!" The boy picked the black animal up and hugged it contently, and then jogged away. The two artists looked at one another and shrugged. They marched inside the store without a second thought.

--------------------

Author: Hmm...Since this was chapter 13, I kinda wanted something really bad to happen to Kakuzu...oh well, I'll make the bad luck come by the next chapter

Kakuzu: Why the hell did you make a crate of salt fall from the sky?

Author: Oh, did you want it to fall on your head?

Kisame: What he's trying to say is, why does nothing make sense?

Author: Hey, remember the title... "Utterly Random"

Hidan: Obviously...you forgot about me again!

Tobi: Yeah! And me too!

Hidan: No one cares about you. I'm the main character here!

Author: Hey! Be nice. Anyway, no, I didn't forget you actually, I just decided not to include you in this chapter

Deidara: Because of your laziness, un?

Author: Uh-huh

Sasori: Well, I'm not gonna complain since I get to be in the story

Deidara: We have replaced Kisame and Itachi, un! Bwahahahahahaa, un!

Itachi: No one can replace an Uchiha, but anybody can replace you, Deidara

Author: Oooooh, ouch

Itachi: And your editor can replace you

Editor: Hey sweet (Holds up machine gun and points it at Author)

Author: (Screams and runs)


	14. Chapter 14

(Disclaimer: Wow. Just, wow. I have seriously never written anything this long. It's all thanks to Masato Kishimoto. Naruto is not mine. Masato Kishimoto's soul is. Yes people, I did buy his soul,not on E-bay, but on Amazon. HA! I WIN!)

Chapter 14...

As the stitched man opened his leather (fake) wallet to pay the cashier, he saw two familiar figures step in the store from the corner of his inverted eyes. He quickly put the money down on the table and hid his wallet inside his pocket. Deidara was the first to notice. The blond waved and jogged over to him.

"Kakuzu, un! We're here to save you, un!" He called out loud. The older nin opened his mouth to reply, but one, well-manicured hand covered his mouth, silencing him. Masato then took his hands from Kakuzu's mouth, but he still couldn't speak. The stitched man felt his lips to find that Pinky had put duct tape over it.

"I like, totally know you," Masato said with a deadly tone. His once ugly panda-looking makeup was now all gone, revealing his true face that, quite frankly, looked very normal. His eyes were burning hateful flames as he glared at Deidara. He pointed an accusing finger at him and continued, "You soooo like, totally stole my like, boyfriend that one night!"

Deidara's jaws dropped as he cried, "WHAAAAAAAAAAT, UN???!" He turned to Sasori for some kind of aid, but he only shook his head at the blond disappointingly.

"Deidara, I never really thought you were the type."

"I'm _NOT_, un!"

"Oh, stop denying. Besides Itachi, you're the most feminine looking out of all of us."

"Well...y-you and Itachi are bishi's, un! So doesn't that count as looking 'feminine', un?!"

"No, that just means he and I are beautiful men, though I'm prettier. There's a difference from looking gay and looking extremely hot."

As the two artists argued, Kakuzu was busying himself by trying to un-duct tape his lips. It was stuck like super glue (not glue, 'super' glue). Then, he noticed Masato rummaging through his little poodle purse, looking for something. Pinky took out a piece of blank paper and pen and started writing something on it. That was when the stitched man noticed something was wrong. A dim, smoky light was surrounding the younger man's hands. The smoke of light grew bigger and bigger while it formed itself into a shape of a bow and arrow. _That doesn't look too good..._

Kakuzu used the threads in his mouth to tear the duct tape from the sticky side. It worked and the tape ripped loudly off. He felt the burning sensation of the tape pulling at his sensitive skin and the tiny hairs around his mouth. Someone screamed and yelled at the sight with fear, but the stitched man ignored them. Kakuzu lifted one of his arms and aimed at Masato. He curled his hand into a fist and fired.

---------------------

The shark man swung his Samehada down and smashed the concrete beneath. The ground shook and a gloved hand popped out. It snatched Kisame's ankle and it tried to drag him down with it, but he kicked it off of him quickly and backed off. A figure emerged from the ground like Samara (_The Ring_)and glared at him with fiery orange eyes. The shark man's yellow orbs glared back and he felt his whole body shake with excitement.

"I see you're a worthy opponent," Kisame complimented, "I don't think I've had this much fun since I fought Zabuza-san."

"I'm quite honored," the other replied. He stood almost as tall as Kisame, but he had an afro so he seemed a bit taller. His light blue raincoat was caked with soil, plus some worms clung to his shoulders. "I've heard that he is quite a swordsman. Or I should say, he _was_." The afro man made a small cross across his chest with his finger.

"By the way...," the shark man paused and questioned his opponent. "Why are you wearing a raincoat?" The afro man puffed out his chest proudly and snapped his raincoat open like Superman. Underneath revealed a nice black tuxedo, bow tie, cummerbund, and everything. He tossed his coat off to the side and grinned, his teeth blindingly white.

"I was on my way to my friend's wedding," the afro man explained, "but my little bro called me up, saying that he needed my help. How can I decline my beloved younger sibling's request for my assistance?"

"In more ways than I can imagine...," Kisame muttered under his breath, thinking about how Itachi described the way he tortured his "beloved" little sibling. He did pity the poor lad, but it wasn't his problem. The shark man mentally shrugged and turned his attention back to the afro man. "I'm guessing you and your brothers are from the Village of the Hidden Stone?"

"Quite right, quite right," he replied. "How did you know?"

"My sharky-senses tingled," Kisame continued. "So maybe you guys are familiar with Deidara-san?"

That instant, a giant fist was flying towards him, hiding his field of vision. Kisame just barely moved out of the way, the fist scratching the surface of his cheek. With a loud crash, the ex-Hidden Mist nin felt the earth shake underneath him as he leaped to a safe distance away from the afro man. Kisame saw the other's forearm completely embedded into the ground, and the said ground had huge cracks and holes everywhere. The afro man pulled his arm out and tried to dust the mud off of his tuxedo sleeve.

"Aw man," he grumbled, "and I just had this dry-cleaned." He then turned back to Kisame and glared at him. "How do you know that bastard, huh? Did he find himself a new lover?"

"Eh?" The shark man was utterly confused. "What are you talking about?"

"He's the one," the afro man said with a shaky fist, "that stole my little brother's boyfriend!"

There was a moment of complete silence. Kisame's voice cracked as he broke it.

"Your brother's gay?"

---------------------

Itachi decided that it was cool to leave his teammates to fight the three random attackers and suffer while he went to the dango shop to eat. He noticed the sky was turning light pink, his shadow stretching out longer. The shop close around five. He'd better hurry. The hungry prodigy picked up the pace while he felt his pockets for his leather (fake) wallet. Then, he halted. Itachi patted his front and back pockets and found nothing.

_Kakuzu, that bastard...he stole my damn money,_ the Uchiha silently fumed. He turned on his heels and sprinted back where he came from so he could get his cheap wallet back and to kick Kakuzu's ass. Hard.

---------------------

Pinky, at first, thought it was better to attack the one who had stolen his boyfriend first, and then killing the one he and his brothers came for second. He did owe the older stitched nin one, for Kakuzu went through the pain of shopping with a shopaholic. It was the least he could do.

Until that ex-Hidden Falls shinobi punched him in the face. Baaaaaad move.

Masato's body went flying in the air, his chakra bow and arrow fading away like dust. He slammed into a basket of hangers and purses with a crash. Kakuzu retracted his arm back and dashed towards where Pinky fell (er...crashed). Then, with a ear-shattering scream, a woman who was standing near Masato squirted out blood from...well, everywhere. She litterally fell to pieces, leaving chunks of her flesh and a large pool of blood. Kakuzu instantly recognized the cause and retreated back, reuniting with the two Akatsuki artists. Sasori's eyes were open wide while Deidara's jaws dropped, both members speechless.

"Wh-wha-...the hell happened, un?" The blond stammered. "Th-that chick just like...was chopped into pieces, un!"

"We all saw that," the redhead said, "but what did that kid just do?" Both artists turned to Kakuzu who was watching Masato stand up and dust his clothes. Pinky's once friendly-yet-gay expression was now completely gone. It was colder than ice and murderous looking, like a real hunter-nin. A real monster. Masato slowly lifted his visage to face the three and pretended to smile sweetly like before, but it looked as menacing as his white-hot glare, filled with hate. He grinned to show rows and rows of pointed teeth that weren't there before. _A real monster._

"You're all are like, so totally dead," he giggled.

---------------------

Author: Chappy 14! Hurray! I rushed, but I finished it! FINISSEZ! YAAAAAAAAY!!!

Deidara: I'm not gay...un

Sasori: Keep on denying Deidara

Deidara: But I'm not, Danna, un! Believe in me, un!

Kakuzu: What the hell? You made me take Itachi's filthy wallet?!

Itachi: It's not filthy

Kakuzu: Prove it

Itachi: Your mom will prove it...

Kisame: Itachi-san! Stop it with the "Your Mom" come backs. It's seriously getting old

Deidara: I wonder why we can't say "Your Dad" come backs, or "Your Auntie" come backs, un

Sasori: They aren't as interesting

Hidan: I think I'm gonna cry...I still haven't appeared...(cries)

Tobi: Aw, Hidan-senpai, don't cry...(takes out tissue)

Hidan: Jashin-sama! What did I ever do to deserve such punishment?!

Itachi: You were born

Hidan: Kakuzu! Can I use this Uchiha kid for my next sacrifice?

Kakuzu: Knock yourself out

Kisame: No! Leader-san will cut my payment!

Itachi: Is that the _only_ reason why he shouldn't kill me...? (activates Sharingan)

Kisame: Er...(hides behind Author) MEAT SHEILD!

Author: WHAAAAAAAAT???!


	15. Chapter 15

(Disclaimer: So much torture, so little time. But more than enough time to make fanfics. Naruto is not mine.)

Chapter 15...

The Uchiha prodigy was searching for any signs of the ex-Hidden Falls ninja when he found Shuuki weeping on the ground. The redhead was covered with little claw-like scratches, probably inflicted by a cat (Mr. Num-Num). When Itachi poked his occipital (back skull) with the tip of his toe, Shuuki's body twitched so much, the prodigy though he was having a seizure. Itachi walked around to see the redhead's face and saw his mouth open wide as if he was screaming.

"Can't get your voice out?" The Uchiha asked. Shuuki, still having his mouth open, nodded ferociously and twitched some more, probably in pain. That was when the prodigy noticed the immense number of blades hanging down from the redhead's waist. He made a disgusted face and quickly thought up an excuse not to save him some pain.

"Well, I can't help you out then," Itachi said coldly, "I don't help those who cannot speak." Shuuki made a tiny gurgling sound from the back of his throat and scrunched his nose, attempting to growl and glare. The Uchiha kicked the redhead's lower jaw shut, making him bite his tongue and the inside of his cheek.

"-------!!!" Shuuki's soundless scream of pain made Itachi smirk evilly. He curled up into a ball and covered his bleeding mouth with his scratched-up fingers. The Uchiha prodigy turned and dashed away from the redhead, content that he got some of his stress out on somebody.

(Poor Shuuki. I almost feel bad for him. Almost.)

----------------------

Tobi dragged the priest out of the forgotten inn and was moving towards the main gates of the village.

"Hidan-san, are you sure you're okay?" He asked Hidan for the umpteenth time.

"For the last goddamn time Swirly, YES! I'm fine, okay, super-dee-dooper! Never been better!" The priest replied annoyingly. This younger nin was seriously getting on the last of his nerves. Most of his wounds were beautifully healed, but some gashes were so deep that even with Hidan's amazing healing abilities, it could be hours until it completely closes up. Blood leaked and painted the ground, making the locals wonder what dragged by.

"Whatever you say...," Tobi slugged onwards, hoping that at least one member to come back. And as if on cue, something green "sprouted" out of the ground a few feet ahead. Hidan thought it was his imagination and rubbed his eyes. He looked again and it was still there, only this time he could tell the thing looked like an over-sized Venus fly-trap without the skinny neck. It climbed out of the hole and slowly paced towards the pair.

"Zetsu-san!" Tobi cried happily. "It's really nice to see you again!" Hidan looked at the younger man with odd eyes and observed the thing a bit more. Yes, he did wear the black Akatsuki cloak. Yes, he did have a pair of human legs. Yes, he seemed to be "wearing" a plant on his shoulders. _Where's his face?_

A deep, menacing voice replied, "Tobi...is that our lunch?"

"No, no, Zetsu-san," the younger nin said cheerfully, "this is our newest member, Hidan-san!" The orange mask turned to the priest. "Say hello to Zetsu-san! He's my part-time partner because I'm not an official member yet."

"Uh...," Hidan looked at the plant man and gave a small wave, "...hi?" The Venus fly-trap creaked open and a half-black half-white face peeked out from behind.

"**Hello.**" The priest thought he heard two different voices greeting him, but shrugged it off. He then turned back to Tobi.

"Whaddaya mean you're not official? I thought you were already a member." The orange masked nin scratched the back of his head like he was embarrassed.

"Well, you see Hidan-san," he explained, "the Akatsuki organization doesn't let _everybody_ become a member. You either have to qualify as a worthy member or you have to wait for one of the official members to leave the organization, either by death or resignation. I, for one, qualified as a worthy member, but there weren't any open spots until Kakuzu-san killed his last partner."

"Then why didn't you become his new partner?" The priest asked, confused. "You were there before me, right?"

"Well...um...," Tobi stalled, not wanting to answer that particular question.

"_Because Tobi didn't want to be his partner_." Hidan jumped and searched for the source of the new voice. When he couldn't find any, he looked at Zetsu. _"Kakuzu kills everybody around him when he gets aggravated."_ The priest concluded that the voice belonged to the plant man. The masked nin's hidden face was red and ashamed, the magic of being able to see Tobi's expression even with his mask on in effect once again.

Tobi cut in, "W-well, I kinda am part of the organization, though! I work with Zetsu-san sometimes because he doesn't have a partner...er, I mean...he doesn't need one really!"

"Tobi is a good boy...," the darker voice said, _"he brings us our lunch occasionally, most of them are pretty fresh..."_

"Anyway," Hidan interrupted, "Kakuzu has an anger management problem so he kills everybody when he's mad, he killed his last partner so he went looking for a new partner that can't die, and that lead to me, right?" Tobi and the plant man looked at one another, and then tuned to the priest.

"I guess," the younger nin shrugged.

"Sounds about right."

"_I think so._"

The priest then asked Zetsu, "Are you a bipolar carnivorous plant man? I think I've seen something like you in a comic book...minus the bipolar part."

----------------------

Deidara sighed sadly at his lack of luck. _Why do I always end up with giant restaurant owners and monstrous gay-wads, un?_ He, Sasori and Kakuzu were facing a pink goblin. That's right, folks. A pink goblin wearing spandex. Masato's blue T-shirt ripped off and showed red, jewel-like scales armoring his chest and abs. His once fragile, skinny body was now transformed (mutated) into a miniature, wrestler-like appearance. Pinky's face did not look too human anymore. It leaned more toward a dog-ish kind of look, but people could argue that it was similar to a feline. Not that that fact was important at the moment. Kakuzu and the puppet master stood in a readied position, prepared for the creature to make it's move. But instead of attacking, Masato dug his clawed hand into his purse and took out a little (pink) hand-mirror.

"Like, oh my gawd!" Pinky cried out. "I look like, horrendous! Aaaah!" The pink goblin broke down into tears and started weeping loudly, mourning his once 'beautiful n' sexy' self. "It's all like, totally your fault," he pointed at Deidara, "if you haven't like, appeared, I wouldn't have like, changed into this, this...Aaaaaah!!! Now I _really_ have to kill you! All of you!" Masato resumed sobbing and hiccuping. Pity, disgust, and hatred mixed into the air between the goblin and the three Akatsuki members. Mostly pity, though, for Pinky.

"Deidara...," Sasori slapped the blond's shoulder, "why did you have to steal his boyfriend? I really don't want to die because of your stupid mistake for choosing the wrong person to love."

Deidara hit the puppet master's hand off and shouted, "I fucking didn't, un! That damn bastard came running to me screaming, 'Oh! I've finally found my true love! Kiss me! Marry me!' with creepy glittery eyes like a little girl, un! It was so horrible that I had a trauma for at least ten weeks, un!" Kakuzu, who was trying very hard not to take his eyes off his enemy, glanced behind to look at the clay artist.

"What did you do?" The stitched man asked.

"Oh...un...," Deidara scratched the side of his cheek and chuckled nervously. "I kinda blew his face up, un."

The puppet master rolled his eyes in disbelief. "You 'stole' his boyfriend _and_ killed him. Aw geez..."

The older nin looked back at his opponent. "Damn idiot. Now I _know _you're dead."

----------------------

Author: Yay! Chappy 15 is done! Let's all hope Dei-chan survives Masato's wrath!

Deidara: Y-you're not going to...uh...kill me, are you, un?

Author: Maybe not...maybe...I dunno, depends on how many fans you have

Deidara: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Un!

Sasori: Dude, chill. You still have a chance

Deidara: I do...un?

Sasori: Wait...take that back. Nope, you're dead

Deidara: NOOOOOOOO!!!! Un!

Zetsu (both): **We finally got a role...**

Zetsu: _We should party..._

Zetsu: With a leg...

Tobi: Congratulations, Zetsu-san! What kind of leg would you like?

Zetsu: _A cadaver would be nice..._

Zetsu: Maybe this fresh one would do...

Author: Uh...Zetsu? Why are you looking at me like...ACK!!!

Kakuzu: Hey look, Hidan. Plant men _do_ drool

Hidan: Ooh! And they have teeth, too!

Author: Ow! OW! Stop biting my shoe!


	16. Chapter 16

(Disclaimer: Always remember children; armatures built the Ark while professionals built the Titanic. Professionals made manga, while armatures made doijinshi/fanfics. Naruto is not mine, so I can proudly tell the world that I am a armature. And immature)

Chapter 16...

Kisame was having a hard time swallowing the fact that the blond artist he has been working with for so long time was homosexual. He was so distracted with his thoughts that he never noticed the afro-man charging towards him with a blue totem-pole, holding it like a bat. The attacker lifted it over his head a swung it down hard on Kisame.

"Uhg!" Although the ex-Hidden mist nin blocked the blow with his Samehada, the force was so great he felt his feet sink into the ground. More cracks and holes appeared, making the fighting ground unstable. The shark man gritted his teeth and swung his giant sword at the totem-pole above him. It was cut quite jaggedly, letting pieces of wood chips and splinters fly. Dust clouds shielded him from afro-man's view, so he took the advantage to make hand-signs.

"Suiton: Kirigakure-no-Jyutsu (Hidden Mist Technique)!" Suddenly, the whole area surrounding the two fighters were covered in thick, white fog, making any kind of visual contact impossible. The afro-man dropped his weapon and growled angrily.

"Damn fish-sticks! Damn coward! Show yourself and fight like a man, you guppy!" He shook his fists in the air, eyes swimming wildly for any signs of the shark-nin.

"'Guppy', you say...?" A clothed sword was at the afro-man's throat. His whole body shook and cold sweat dripped down his face as he felt the presence of the ex-Hidden Mist nin behind him. Kisame chuckled lightly, "You've chosen a quite colorful fish to describe me, haven't you?" The 'blades' of his Samehada ripped the cloth open, showing rows of black, scaly knives threatening to shave off all of afro-man's chakra and flesh, and probably his hair. The hunter-nin raised both of his arms and whimpered.

"I give up."

Kisame smiled contently, "That's what I thought."

-------------------

Zetsu looked up at the pink sky, noticing a few crows flying above. Almost time to go.

"Tobi...," the darker voice started. The younger nin looked up at his elder curiously. _"It''s time for us to leave..."_

Tobi was thoughtful for a moment, then remembered and clapped his hands together. "Oh, riiiight!" He exclaimed, "I kinda forgot about _that!_ My bad, Zetsu-san." He twirled around to the confused priest and bowed down politely. "It's been a pleasure meeting you, Hidan-san. I hope to see you again sometime soon!"

"Uh...," Hidan scratched his head, "where are you guys going? Why are you leaving?"

"**Leader's orders,"** the plant-man (men?) replied. _"Plus, we're hungry..."_

"Oooh! I have something! Hold on..." The masked nin dug through his front and back pockets and pulled out something that looked like small sausages. But they were fingers. _Human_ fingers. "I couldn't carry all twenty of them," he explained with a hint of disappointment, "so I only brought eight."

"_...Tobi really is a good boy..."_ Zetsu patted the younger man's head and took the fingers. He tossed them into his mouth one by one, his teeth crunching on the bones rather loudly. Hidan felt his fingers ache just watching this.

"...Why the _hell_ do you carry around human body parts?" The priest asked, disgusted.

"Oh, you know, when you have to work with a cannibal as often as I do, I guess it's a requirement to carry around dead bodies every now and then," Tobi simply replied. Hidan frowned and stuck his tongue out with a "blegh" expression.

The two Akatsuki's left the village, leaving the priest alone on the empty street. His wounds were now all mostly healed up, leaving a pale pink scar that would go away any time soon. Wondering what he should do now, he turned around only to see a dark figure sprinting toward him.

"Hey...isn't that the blue guy's partner?" Hidan squinted to get a better view. Sure enough, it was the Uchiha prodigy, pissed and bitchy at the same time. "Damn, I can't remember his name...uhm...Hibachi? Ah, that sounds about right. Hey, Hibachi!" The priest called out. He waved his hands at the prodigy, unknowing that his unintentional name-calling has put in more fuel on Itachi's flame of wrath.

(Note: Itachi's irritated because he hasn't eaten dango. Do _not_ mess with him).

The Uchiha sped up and tackled into the priest with so much force that both went flying towards into one of the thick, blue poles of the gate. Itachi used his amazing Uchiha skill to flip his body over so that his feet would be positioned on the priest's stomach. He used the other's body as a kicking mat, making himself fly out of harm's way while Hidan slammed into the blue pole (with extra force, har-har). The prodigy landed lightly, flicking his black hair out of his face and sending bishi glitter-aura out to show that he was safe and sound. Hidan, on the other hand, acquired new bruises and cuts and gashes, his once close-to-being-healed wounds opening again, plus losing more blood.

"$$&!!!" The priest screamed in an unknown language. Obviously, he was very ticked at Itachi.

"It's your fault," Itachi said coldly, "you were standing in my way."

"You &$#ing &#&!!! You &$ just # my $#&&!!!! #$&(!!!!!!!" Yes, he was _very_ ticked.

Itachi gave an annoyed glance at the priest. "Speak human, you fool. I don't understand idiot."

---------------------

"Kakuzu?"

"What."

"Please tell me why we abandoned Deidara with the freak?"

Sasori and Kakuzu were running down the empty stone streets of Harusame Village. Meters behind, stores, apartments, and other random buildings were being annihilated by one blond Akatsuki artist and one pink gargoyle with spandex.

"Because," the stitched man huffed, "he's the only one that can fight long distance away from him. If we get too close to that gargoyle, we'd end up as sliced up as that one woman we saw earlier."

"Mmmm, chunky." The redhead said. "So, what the hell did that guy do?"

"Remember that bow and arrow he had before it disintegrated?"

"Yeah?"

"Think of it as a blade made out of millions of little blades," Kakuzu explained, "when it disintegrated, those tiny blades mixed in with the air surrounding him. Breath in even a hint of it, and your body will pretty much fall apart because those blades have a tendency to move swiftly about when it's around him. It _is _his chakra, you know."

"So that woman inhaled the blades and it escaped out of her body by ripping out through her skin?" Sasori confirmed.

"Yeah, so you die from the inside-out," Kakuzu continued, "it's not fun. I actually inhaled a little bit of it before. I lost two of my hearts then. It was a bitch to find replacements." The puppet master slowed his pace down to a quick jog, and the stitched man followed.

"Are you really sure we left the right guy to do the job?" Sasori asked. Both men turned their head around to see buildings fall one by one like a giant domino. Within the chaos, there was a giant clay bird flying above with Deidara laughing hysterically on it's back, making more clay bombs with his hand-mouths and dropping them everywhere.

Kakuzu sweat-dropped and thinned his eyes. "I sure hope we did."

----------------------------

Author: Dei-can's going craaaaaaazy...Anyway, chappy 16 is done!

Deidara: Hey, I get to blow up an entire village, un! Sweet, un!

Sasori: You better not blow us up while you're at it, Deidara...AND I WANT MY SCROLL!

Deidara: Oh yeah, I forgot about that...un

Hidan: I have it! And you can have it back you pervy sick-o!

Sasori: Who are you calling sick-o? You're the one who feels 'pleasure' in pain!

Hidan: Well, it's not my fault that Jashin-sama loves me more than you...(sticks out tongue)

Kisame: Now, now children, be nice...

Itachi: ...I want my dango...NOW

Kakuzu: Gotta get your wallet back first, eh? (shows off wallet)

Itachi: Mine! MIIIIIIIINE!!!! (jumps at Kakuzu)

(Kakuzu and Itachi fight)

Author: Hey, this is amusing! Kisame! Get my camera!

Sasori: Is Itachi slapping Kakuzu?

Deidara: BITCH SLAP, UN!!!


	17. Chapter 17

(Disclaimer: Fanfic is a drug. Take as many as you want. It won't kill you. It'll scar you for life or traumatize little children, but it won't kill you. Satisfaction guaranteed. Naruto is not mine)

Chapter 17...

Although Itachi was a self-centered, high-prided, all-knowing, snobby bishi Uchiha, he did feel a bit sorry for his violent actions he took on the priest. It's not like Hidan knew that the prodigy was already mad at that point. _How immature of me_, he thought, _taking my anger on such a pitiful, low-class being. Ah, well. He's annoying anyway._ He shrugged and walked over to the priest who was currently busy trying to pull his rear-end out of a pothole. A pothole which wasn't there before.

"Why the...urgh! Damn shit, why am I _always_ the one that...unf! Get's...all...ugh!...the painful...fuck!" Hidan cursed loudly as the pothole refused to let go of the man's bum. Itachi was slightly entertained by the priest's frustration, but then remembered his oh-so-needed sugar. And revenge on the stitched man. The prodigy held a hand out to Hidan.

"Stand up," he ordered. The priest was still skeptical, but he hesitantly reached out his hand. Itachi pulled hard. So hard that when Hidan's rear was set free with a _pop_, the prodigy accidentally sent the priest flying behind, splatting his face on the stone street. Hidan lay still for a moment, taking in the shock and pain, feeling warm blood pour out of his nose, and ready to use the prodigy as a new sacrifice for his beloved God.

"You...! Son of a buck!!!"

A pause of silence. Both men's eyes turned into little black dots. Hidan tried again.

"You son of a belch!"

Another pause. Itachi snorted quietly while Hidan's head cocked sideways.

"Beg, buff, bet...," the priest said to himself. "Bed, bell, buff, bull, beck, bulk, bush..."

"Hidan," the prodigy said, "try to say other swear words." The priest tried. All came out as follows:

"Sniffle, dog, fudge, arm, bun, hash, snot, drum, flan, ark, butt..." and so on. The prodigy snorted louder, and this time was close to laughing. Hidan paled.

"Holy funnel cake, I can't swear!" He cried.

Itachi was on his knees and was banging his fists on the ground, trying to hold in the laughter.

-----------------

Sasori and Kakuzu were still running around the village, and the two crazies were still fighting right behind them. Somehow, the two crazies (Deidara and Masato) managed to fight and follow the two members at the same time. People screamed and cried in agony, pain and surprise as the blond artist continued bombing them with his clay "art".

"Kakuzu!" The redhead yelled over the chaos. "Where are we heading?!"

Kakuzu thought for a moment. "I have absolutely no clue."

"What?!" Sasori cried. "Then why are we running?!"

"Because," Kakuzu replied, "I'm hoping to bump into somebody we know who might be able to fight better than that stupid blond behind us." The puppet master mentally agreed and looked at the buildings around him. He checked every now and then how far away the two fighters were. A few minutes ago, they were at least five buildings away. Now they were down to two.

"We better hurry up and find someone," Sasori said as he watched a bookstore incinerate as they dashed by. "They're catching up."

-----------------

Kisame was about done with his work when hid partner and Hidan happened to pass by. He greeted them with a friendly wave and gestured them to come over. He examined his work as Itachi and Hidan got a closer look at it.

Afro man was tied up to a tree without his afro. The ex-Hidden Mist nin tortured the tuxedo man by shaving off his hair, er, 'fro.

"So," the prodigy started, "he's one of the attackers?" He eyed the now-bald man and snickerd.

"Apparently." Kisame answered. "This man's name is Kamio. He and his two brothers came to this village to avenge their older brother, who seemed to be Kakuzu-san's last partner."

"And we did partially succeed!" Kamio growled. "We got him two nights ago, but he got away because of his creepy string-power...thingie!"

Itachi cocked his eyebrows. "How descriptive." He said flatly. The Uchiha turned back to the shark man. "Continue."

"Certainly. This man and his brothers all have unique ninjyutsu skills. Kamio here has superhuman powers, not that that's a very surprising fact to any of us. His second youngest brother, Shuuki, can create clones that look nothing like him, making enemies think they're surrounded by hundreds when there are only one, or in this case, three. Masato, who is the youngest, can manipulate his body into a gargoyle-ish form which gives him an unlimited amount of chakra and strength that can destroy three mountains." Kisame gave a suspicious look at the bald Kamio. "Or so _he_ says."

"Hm," Itachi put a finger to his lips, taking in the information. "So when Kakuzu and Hidan came to the inn, they thought they were being chases by hundreds of hunter-nins." He scoffed to himself. "Now I can blackmail that bastard...hehehe..." The prodigy had an evil grin painted across his face, his hands rubbing together in a plotting sort of way.

Kisame glanced at Hidan who's mind seemed to have left the body, leaving a shell of a man. "What happened to Hidan-san?" He asked, a bit concerned.

"Oh, I don't know," Itachi snickered, "I think he just lost his cussing skills." The Uchiha continued chuckling darkly, making the shark man wonder if Itachi was really Itachi. Maybe he was insane. Not that he wasn't already...all Akatsuki members are in some sort of way.

-----------------

The long forgotten, long-haired redhead kicked a lone pebble on the empty stone street of Harusame Village. The poor man has been rejected, ignored, and even kicked by complete strangers when he hasn't even done anything. Yet. His chain of kunais dragged along with him, making annoying scratching noises as they scraped the ground. Shuuki looked up at the darkening sky, seeing dark pinkish-purple light paint the clouds. Crows cawed mockingly, as if laughing at his pain.

_Damn birds_, he mentally cursed. As he walked along, he felt the ground underneath shake lightly. At first he thought it was his crazy imagination, but then the rumbling came harder and harder, and he even heard something exploding way up ahead. The redhead scanned the horizon. He saw black smoke and a rather large bird circling around it. It was coming closer. And closer. And closer. And closer.

Two figures. One was a redhead who wore a black cloak with red cloud designs, and the other was the stitched man. His brother's killer. Shuuki immediately became alarmed and tried to unhook one of his kunais, but then he saw his little gay brother.

Pink.

Gargoyle.

Spandex.

Not a good combination.

-----------------

Author: YAY WRITER'S BLOCK! I can't write! But I got this chapter done at least...

Hidan: Nooooooo! I can't fudging swear!

Itachi: Ah, the sweet smell of victory...(takes deep breath)

Hidan: What the ham did you fanning do?!

Sasori: Who cares? Stop trying to swear, Deidara's dyin' over here

Deidara: (Laughing constantly and can't talk)

Zetsu: **Aww, poor boy...**

Zetsu: _We should give him flowers..._

Zetsu: I'm hungry...(turns to Tobi)

Tobi: Eh? Y-you're hungry already Zetsu-san?!

Zetsu: We should eat...

Zetsu: _Tobi is a good boy...a VERY good boy..._(drools)

Tobi: (backs away) I-I'm not that edible, and you know that Zetsu-san!

Author: Zetsu! Give me back my shoe!

Zetsu: **I think it's over there...**(points at men's room)

Author: Aw snufflemunchikins...(scrunches nose)

Kakuzu: What did you say?

Author: Uh...(thinks fast) POOP!


	18. Chapter 18

(Disclaimer: Nothing can stop me from fangirling, NOTHING. No wait, I lied. A chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream can. Naruto is not mine.)

Chapter 18...

"So please, Kakuzu, would you be a dear and explain to me why you gave Zetsu the 'permission'?" Sir Leader was not a happy man. Oh, he was not a happy man at all. Kakuzu scratched the back of his head uneasily. The stitched man's Akatsuki coat was hanging over his shoulders like a lifeless body, the sleeves tied loosely across his chest. He sighed and shifted his eyes away from the Akatsuki leader. Kakuzu did not want to see the anger flaring from the hologram's flaring eyes.

"I gave Zetsu the 'permission'," he started, "because there really was no other alternative besides that. We did our best, honestly." Poor Kakuzu, he was so famished after all the happenings, he couldn't get the more persuasive side of him to come out. Sir Leader glared down at him and crossed his arms impatiently like a mother lecturing her child.

"Don't give me anymore excuses," the hologram snapped, "the fact is, you let one of our best members go on a cannibal-style buffet and EAT the whole population of Harusame village in a single night! Now he has food poisoning and a high fever because one of the villagers he ate had weed-spray somewhere on their body or clothing!" Sir Leader huffed loudly and massaged his temples. He was seriously getting a headache from all this. More paperwork should arrive any minute now, and he wasn't even finished with half the work the Akatsuki artists threw at him (mostly Deidara's fault). Kakuzu's head sank low, his eyes staring at the black stone floor. He remembered vaguely of the long-haired redhead hunter-nin that stood in his and Sasori's way. He remembered how he looked at his disfigured pink brother. He remembered how Hidan, Itachi and Kisame tackled into him, sending him flying toward the gargoyle.

He remembered how Deidara dropped his biggest and baddest bomb he could make right on top of the brothers.

The survivors? Itachi would've used his Sharingan to somehow wipe out the memories of every villager, but he was still recovering from his previous fever. No way in hell did he have that much energy that time. Zetsu just happened to appear out of seemingly nowhere right then. His orange masked assistant claimed that he had forgotten something that he borrowed from Deidara back at the inn.

"**I'm hungry...," **the plant man said, _"and there's dead bodies EVERYWHERE..." _While Zetsu drooled at the bloody, yet tempting sight, Kakuzu and Kisame tried to think of an alternative plan to somehow not use the Venus fly-trap and get out of the village as if nothing happened. But every villager saw them. They saw what they did. They loathed them with a passion. The stitched man allowed a tired sigh to escape and, seeing no other option, he gave Zetsu the 'permission'.

To have every living and non-living evidence in his stomach before daybreak.

Now, Kakuzu has to get rid of other evidence, like the very existence of Harusame village and all of their files of the locals and visitors (there were others, but I don't feel like explaining all of them). Leader has to read through all of the paperwork and approve them, and then secretly send them over to some of the highest-ranking governors in the country, along with bribes.

Bye-bye money. Hello homicidal rage.

A dull knock came from the wooden door. It was probably the piles and piles of paperwork. Sir Leader grumbled come in, and the door creaked open shyly.

"H-hello Leader...," Tobi peeked his masked face from the door. "Um...do you want this now?" The shadowy hologram fumed silently and said nothing for a few seconds. Kakuzu shifted his weight and looked at the younger shinobi with bagged eyes. His usual black mask was back on his face, hiding most of the tired expression he wore, but not the dark circles that painted his eyes. Leader's gaze went to Tobi, and the younger man felt an intense heat of anger just shoot at his unseen eyes.

"I...guess I should take that as a yes." Tobi chuckled nervously and disappeared behind the slightly open door. A few seconds later, he reappeared, Itachi following behind him, pulling a large cart filled with paper. The prodigy was holding two other mounds of paper that, apparently, couldn't be stacked on top of the cart. As the two approached, the shark man also appeared, dragging a screeching blond artist in one hand and carrying a sleeping priest in the other. The puppet master, in his larger kugutsu form, crawled closely behind.

"No fair, un!" Deidara yelled, "I was still eating that pie, un!"

"Stuff it, Deidara," Sasori annoyingly said, "your chaotic mess caused all this shit. You are going to pay..."

"Well, it's not _my_ fault that this rookie accidentally broke your perverted doll, un!"

"If you didn't steal it in the first place, it would've been safe and sound and in Jiraiya-sama's hands!"

"Hentai Fanboy, un!"

"It's not 'hentai', it's nude art! And nude art is eternal beauty!"

The two Akatsuki artist's fight was escalating the already pissed-off Sir Leader's temper. The hologram raised his hands and curled them into fists. He cracked the knuckles so loudly that in an instant, the whole room fell into heavy silence. Smoke could be detected coming out of Sir Leader's head, expressing hot, boiling, lava-like stress and anger within him, ready to burst at the tiniest offense.

"All of you...," Leader said in a deadly tone, "and I mean ALL of you...will take full responsibility for all this...immature NONSENSE. The complete DESTRUCTION of an entire village...this has to be the most RIDICULOUS and most IDIOTIC stunt anybody has ever pulled off in the history of STUPIDITY." Leader scanned the member's faces. Every one of them, even Itachi's, reminded him of a sad puppy, but just not as cute. He glowered down at them and continued, "From this moment on, I will not tolerate with any more foolish actions and/or behaviors from any one of my subordinates, do you understand?" He heard the members mumble and grumble in agreement. "If I catch any of you, I will personally decapitate you and feed your lamenting body parts to Zetsu, who has yet to hear this same lecture later on after he recovers."

During the lecture, Tobi and Itachi slowly dragged the cart toward Leader's desk. The rather large stone desk was also covered with piles of folders and files, most of them containing Sasori's handwriting and Deidara's signature. The younger masked nin set the cart's handle down next to it while the prodigy dropped his share on top of other unfinished and unsigned paperwork. Leader snapped his holographic head around to face the two shinobis. Tobi jumped and skittered behind Itachi, using him as a sort of meat shield. He buried his masked face into the Uchiha's cloak and waited for his Leader to do something that probably would end his short-lived and pointless ninja life.

But none of that ever came. Rather, Sir Leader walked up to the two and gestured them to join the others. Itachi complied quickly and marched to his partner's side, while the younger shinobi trotted closely behind. Leader's eyes gleamed in the dark room like a candle. He had a plan.

"Gentlemen," he announced, "I have a new assignment for you all."

--------------------------

Back in his room, Kakuzu allowed Kisame to set the snoring priest down on his bed. Hidan's new room had to be cleaned up before he even sets foot in it, for the stitched man still had to peel off the crushed body of his previous partner off the ceiling and walls.

"You know it reeks more than death and blood in that room," the shark man commented before he left. "It also smells like urine."

"It happens when people don't go before they die," Kakuzu commented back. "It's a shame, I know." He sat on his creaking chair and faced the desk before him. The stitched man pulled out a pen and three blank sheets of paper from a little drawer next to him. as he began to write, he glanced at the sleeping priest and paused his hands for a moment. Hidan mumbled Kakuzu's name and asked him if he wants to join Jashin-sama and him to something like a priest school. The older man chuckled lightly.

"Only in your dreams, Hidan." Kakuzu ruffled the priest's hair. "But that school idea has a nice touch."

--------------------------

Author: IT'S FINISHED!!!!!! Yaaaaaay! I finished a story! And it took me forever to just upload this last damn chapter!

Kakuzu: Finally! I can sleep now...

Deidara: We didn't get to do too much in this story...un

Tobi: Uh, but Deidara-senpai, you got to destroy an entire village, so isn't that more than enough?

Deidara: What are you talking about, un? I need to destroy a whole COUNTRY to satisfy my need, un!

Zetsu: **My stomach hurts...**

Zetsu: _I told you that it wasn't a good idea to eat that gardener..._

Zetsu: But she looked tasty...

Zetsu: _Her clothes looked yummy, not her..._

Zetsu: She was yellow like a Tweety bird...

Tobi: But I thought you only eat humans, Zetsu-san

Zetsu: **Whatever gave you **_**that **_**idea?**

Hidan: The fact that you eat humans like a vacuum cleaner gives us that idea...and why the helmet can't I swear?!

Itachi: Well, I guess you'll have to find out in that new story this thing's planning to write...

Hidan: Well hurry up! I'm deprived of profanity!!!

Author: Like that makes any sense...anyway, thank you all for reading this utterly random story! I'm thinking about making a sequel or something after this, but I'm not sure if I'll ever post it...I might eventually. Loves on all you!


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